But please know I'm in a better place (for) now. I cleaned my whole apartment today. It took, literally, 4 hours. Which sounds like an awful lot for a small-ish 2 bedroom/1bathroom place. But I deep cleaned it, and the level of deep I had to go to in order to do this was astonishing quite frankly. Guess it's been awhile since I was able to motivate myself to really focus and clean, wow. Anyway, I had to take breaks. So like I'd deep clean the bathroom. Then I'd sit and check Twitter. Then I deep cleaned the kitchen and ran a load of laundry. Then sit and mourn my life a bit. Then clean, then sit, then clean, etc etc til it was finished. Probably wouldn't eat off the floors if I were you, but this place is presentable AND livable again, and that feels good.
I did it partly for me, and partly because 3 of my very dearest friends are coming to visit me next Saturday. We're having a dinner party. I've known these ladies for almost 20 years; they are precious pieces of my heart and we meet for dinner at least 3 times a year. To catch up, to vent, to rejoice. So I said: you know what? This place needs good memories added to it. I need to have some people over. I could burn some sage and do some magickal incantations and whatever, but why not just invite some precious pieces of my heart over for baked ziti and wine and whatever else they'd like to bring and bring in some laughter and hugs and good vibes? I really believe in a home being a sacred space. Seriously, y'all: don't invite anyone into it unless they've earned your trust. The amount of sage you have to burn when baddies leave is exhausting and expensive.
Then I took Miss M to Old Navy for some pants, because it's getting colder and so the time for shorts wearing is over. This is a sad time, when we put away the shorts and the flip flops. A grieving, really. In addition, Miss M abhors pants and finding pairs she'll consistently wear is exhausting and will cause a mother to snap in public.
After I snapped, I took her to see Hotel Transylvania 2. Where I snapped in public in a crowded cinema 3/4 of the way through, because the story wasn't that great and I was cranky because she was cranky. I'd tell you I felt guilty about being an inappropriate cinema patron, but the mall theater we were at was filled with gangstas and people on their cell phones...I think one was recording the entire film. So we were the least offensive people in the place, and I just needed her to stop digging in my purse and focus on this movie I paid $20 for her to see.
In other news: I've decided I'm going to stop focusing on people with Y chromosomes. And people with two X chromosomes. Peopling is hard. Mind reading is exhausting. I do give a fuck, I give a lot of fucks actually, but I am simply too tired to sort other people out and/or figure them out, really.
Eventually the Universe will bring me exactly who and what and to where I need; every person and experience is flung into our paths for good reason. So I think the best thing for me to do right now is just focus on me and Miss M. I've been rather emotionally messy lately, I don't know if you can tell or not. But I've done some very hard thinking over the last couple of days. And mourning my old life. Letting go is hard for me.
This was a hard summer. Autumn has started off rainy and gross, which never ever helps my mood. I have been sad and angry and fine and happy and weird and exhausted and stressed and judgmental and laid back and on edge and then full circle back to sad. Over and over and over, since June. Tonight, I counted how many bottles of wine I've gone through since moving in four months ago: 12, Internet. Twelve bottles of wine. All by myself. And there was also a lot of beer. But I don't save the beer bottles so I don't know...maybe 48? (I started saving the wine bottles because my inner Crafty McCrafterson thinks she's going to find time and non-existent crafting talent to turn them into a candelabra. You know, just so visitors really understand THIS is the home of a committed wino.)
I also want to announce that I hate softball. Miss M isn't really that interested in it, but she seems to like it okay. Mostly she's there for the socializing aspects. But I am NOT a fan of this sport. I mean, I see the value in it: the cute little girls making friends with each other, singing sing-song-y chants and cheers in the dugout to both encourage their team mates and psych out the opposition. I think the ruggedness, the team spirit, the toughness are all great things for little girls, even if they are dressed in pink. I heart all of this. But I hate softball. First off, there are about 10 million practices each week. Second, the practices sometimes don't finish until 8:30. Third, there are 5 million games. On Thursday there was a game at 7:30 plus an hour-long practice before hand at 6:30 and it all finished at quarter to nine. On a school night. And the umpires had to just call it because the game wasn't actually over but our team had 1 point and the other team had 14 and it was a school night, sooo...game over. Or we'll be here til 11 or something. Miss M didn't get to sleep til almost 10. I'm not feeling real friendly toward softball at the moment.
Also, the dugout parents are supposed to encourage the girls to do cheers and chants for their teammates. I don't know any softball cheers and chants; I am the opposite of a cheerleader. On October 13, I'm supposed to be the dugout mom. What the hell am I going to do, sweet Reader(s)?! I'm going to call the snack mom and ask if she'll switch jobs with me. C is out of town or he'd do it; he's far better at cheerleading than me.
But mostly I need to focus on me and my girl. I have not written anything beyond these blog entries, and I owe my two co-collaborators the skeleton script for Act 1 of our TV show idea so we can start doing dialogue. I have 4 books waiting for me to read them, and I need to finish book 1 that I've been reading since May. And the day I was sick, I addicted myself to Breaking Bad. Walter White! A fine example of why we ought to pay teachers better in this country. But now that's on my list of To Dos.
So I guess the theme of this blog is: Autumn has rolled in (all doom and gloom and rain outside), but I'm doing okay. Except when having to deal with other humans. I think you should probably wait for Hotel Transylvania 2 to come out on DVD; don't be desperate to see that movie. Have a stash of sage in your sacred space; when dear friends come over, act mysterious about what it actually is so they think you have a marijuana problem. Don't stress about having to wear pants; it's really the socially acceptable thing to do in public. Trust the Universe, It knows so much more than you do. Softball sucks monkey balls. Request the Universe scour it from the face of the planet.
Thus concludes my Beginning of Autumn summary.
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