4.17.2014

stories are magic.

It's a weekday, and I am writing a blog post. The Apocalypse has formally begun (gather your zombie fighting gear). (Heh, see what I did there? I rarely write blog posts during the week...quite frankly, I rarely write blog posts, the end.)

Anywho.

Various different things going on in my brain (a list shall follow, as my brain loves these):

1-I have noticed that, by merely reading many chapter books, I have begun to teach 2nd graders about the difference between theme and lesson. And have developed a love of chapter book reading in them. It's really the only time I can get most of them to listen. There are the few knobheads (what would life be, without the knobheads??) who insist on not listening and try to muck it all up for the others, but for most of my small charges, chapter book read aloud time is one of their (and my) most favorite moments of the day.

I think my crying at the ending lines of Charlotte's Web ("It's not often someone comes along who's a good friend and a good writer. Charlotte was both.") (Oh my god, I'm tearing up AGAIN!!) was the turning point for many of them: What's this? A teacher crying? Who normally yells at us? My god, stories are magic!

My job on Earth is complete, I feel, when I can impart this knowledge to other human beings: stories are magic.

So far, we've read the following (I've included theme/lesson we decided on as a class, in case you're interested):

Peter Pan by J.M. Barrie (my personal favorite, not theirs though)--theme: Bravery, lesson: never giving up

Fantastic Mr. Fox by Roald Dahl (their favorite--good lord, they text-to-text connect this frickin' story to Every.Thing. now)--theme: Bravery, lesson: sometimes, you have to make hard decisions

Wizard of Oz by L. Frank Baum--theme: Dreams (and Travel) are Important, lesson: you don't have to travel far to find your dreams because everything you need to make them real is already inside you

Charlotte's Web by E.B. White--theme: Friendship, lesson: there is nothing more important in life than a good friend

The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams (not a chapter book, but still an awesome read nonetheless)--theme: Magic, lesson: if you really believe in something, anything is possible

Currently, we're reading The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane by Kate Dicamillo. We haven't discussed its theme/lesson yet, but I think they're: theme--love, lesson--you are capable of more love than even you know.

Do you read to children? You should; it teaches you a lot. It teaches them, but it also teaches you. It's simply the best part of my day.

....also, if you can find a movie that coincides well with your book, you can a get buttload of work done on a Friday while they compare and contrast the book and film versions. (If they were older, we'd also have a very frank discussion about why so many film versions of books suck so bad...but that's another opinionated blog rant for another day.)

2-I get Rob Brezny's amazing astrological forecasts in my email inbox every week. They never fail me. He's completely confounded me lately, though. This week, he told me I can shut what's been opened, or open what's been shut; just make sure I do so with high integrity. Last week, he told me I was evolving into a more soulful version of my idiosyncratic self. The week before that, he told me I'd get a second chance at something I'd passed up the last time it had come my way.

I have no idea what any of this means, but it sounds auspicious, ominous even. I think I'd just like to be a more soulful version of myself, when all is said and done. I'd like to live out loud. That's hard to do, but really cool when it works out.

3-This summer, I'd like to take a trip. I'd like to take a trip alone. I wish I could get on a plane and go far, far away. Instead, I think I'd like to take a trip alone to a lake, or the ocean. I would just like to stay for a night or two. Stick my feet in some water and think. Write some (incredibly BAD) poetry, and maybe the beginnings of a story (or two). I don't know if the people in my life understand my need to be alone. I don't mind Alone. It's quiet, and I like it. I feel better afterwards. (I test like 100% positive as an INFP on that Myers-Briggs thing, which I find to be far more accurate than any Pisces personality summary I've ever read.)

4-I have an idea for a novel (?) novella (?) or at least a very long short story:

My family (my father's family) is from the Pocono mountains of Pennsylvania. They have tragedy in their family line (not counting for the fact I may possibly be related to George W. Bush via his mother Barbara, via a Pilgrim ancestral connection named Henry Sampson--holy heavens, I can't imagine anything at all more tragic than being even loosely related to George W. Bush). I would like to call this book(?) story(?) Samson Road. Because in Lake Ariel, PA there is a road called Samson Road. That's my family's road. Except if I use that road name, then I worry I can't really fictionalize it; I'd like to fictionalize most of it...base it on real stories that happened, but in a fictional way (isn't that how we roll in the 21st century these days?). I'm talking: childhood drowning, accidental gun shootings, horse-riding suffragettes, the whole lot. People in Lake Ariel still refer to my grandfather as "Papa Joe," like he's The Godfather.

It's fascinating; my dad's family is fascinating to me and I have a deep suspicion they'd fascinate others as well. We have a lot of really complicated people on that side of the family, and I find complicated people to be the best characters in stories.

5-Speaking of families: My little Miss M, who is 5, is deathly terrified of water and has been all of her short, half-decade here on this ironically water-covered planet. Actually, she's not terrified of water itself, but rather of putting her head beneath it. She's taking swim lessons now, and I'm frustrated to the point of wanting to just throw her in the deep end and let her figure it out and get over this stupid B.S. The thing stopping me is I can just see the therapy bills. The other thing stopping me is my memory of being deathly afraid of water...until the day I figured out there was a whole 'nother world underwater, and I loved being there a lot. I was a mermaid (in a pool, in my head...I'm certain the neighborhood life guards thought I was an insane kid, flailing about in the deep end, pretending my feet were fins). I was a true dolphin wannabe; how does one join a dolphin pod? I wished so deeply to be part of one, at age 10. I wish so hard for similar discoveries in my 5 year old landlubber. I will take her for a dolphin ride if she ever gets there.

Today, we were driving back from (yet another) unsuccessful swim lesson, and she asked for a lollipop. Then she said, "Oh, right. I bet you only give lollipops to girls who put their heads underwater." And I said, "You got it, lady." And she said, "Well, I'll just lie to daddy. I'll tell him a story about today when I put my head underwater. I'm good at stories and he'll give me an ice cream cone I bet."

I didn't know whether to be proud of my budding little storyteller or to be horrified at the monster I've created. 

Stories are magic, but apparently they can also create family havoc. I'll have to watch this.

(Epilogue of The Swim Lesson: she tried to tell her story, and her story was whack. She did not get a lollipop or an ice cream cone. She did get a bath, and some Honey Kix cereal with a small glass of iced tea. A satisfying, and far healthier, ending.)


4.05.2014

magic travel writer (with Javier Bardem)

In a perfect world, we could all just quit our jobs and walk right on in to our dream jobs. Or whatever we think, at that moment, are our dream jobs, because maybe once you're in your dream job you find it's not so dreamy after all and then you're off to search for the next dream job. And after you become disillusioned with that dream job, you'll be off to search for your next dream job. And maybe a good therapist, because it sounds like job satisfaction isn't really your problem as much as a healthy sense of self is.

Which is why years (and years!) of therapy have led me to be sure that my dream job would combine my passion (writing) and travel, which I have only done in fits and spurts and never outside the U.S. borders and I find that a complete travesty. I think I'd make a great traveler, and should be hired immediately as United States Official Travel Representative so I can reverse the damage done by all the douche bag American travelers who've given this great nation the global impression we're all a bunch of douche bags. We are not. We are not. (Maybe just the vast majority of Missississississississippi, because nobody can ever figure out how to spell that damn state and I'm certain that's why they're the fattest and 2nd-to-last least educated. Having to write one too many s's can just totally eff up your brain. I say. I mean, look at how hard it was just now for ME, and I have a master's degree.)

At any rate. Here's my travel writer idea:

One of my favorite books is Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. Eye roll all you want and say what you will about the self-indulgery of it all, but her worldview is en pointe and her writing is much like her--likable, sweet, and relatable. If you aren't familiar with this book (and movie--please please please promise me you'll just read the book and completely avoid the movie, even though Javier Bardem is in it and is very very magical...oh okay, fine. Please promise me you'll read the book first THEN watch the movie, but only for the Javier Bardem parts).

Where was I? Oh, right: If you aren't familiar with this book, the premise is that Elizabeth Gilbert, a writer, has made a humongous life change in an effort to be more authentic and true to herself. She sucks at living her life, and yet somehow convinces her publisher to just...give...her enough money to live on so she can travel to 3 different countries for 4 months a piece for 1 entire year. She lives in Italy for 4 months and eats her way out of a deep, spirally depression. She lives in India for 4 months and rediscovers her spiritual core. She lives in Bali for 4 months and sleeps with Javier Bardem. No, ha! Just kidding--she meets her (now) husband, a lovely, sensuous Brazilian man (all Brazilians are sensuous, by the way: Americans are fat, stupid, terrible travelers and Brazilians are lovely and seductive--I plan to register a formal complaint with the Nationality Stereotyping Commission about this). And then she wrote a really funny, relatable, irreverent travel memoir about her experiences abroad, finding herself.

That's basically my premise/idea for my dream job--if I could walk off my job tomorrow, this is the job I'd walk right into:

*Travel to anywhere in the world, but just one country at a time.

*Live and travel in that one country for 1-2 months.

*Write an irreverent, relatable travel book/memoir about it. There would be none of this: go to this restaurant, stay in this hotel, do this activity, a la Fodor's and whatnot. Each book would simply be a compilation of my experiences and stories about people I get to meet and know (as a really super NICE and POLITE American traveler) in that particular country.

*And because I sense somebody, somewhere, out there may read this at one point and get all snarky and roll their eyes and go "Yeah, uh, guess what? Lonely Planet already did that, Amy. BORE-ing!", let me just pitch that as an added incentive to my plan, I'm also thinking of trying to convince Javier Bardem to accompany me on all my travels. Has Lonely Planet done THAT? No! They have NOT.

So the first country I have picked out for this endeavor is England. Just England. Not Scotland, Ireland, or Wales; those will have to be different travel books. And the reason I've picked England as my first destination is simply because I already have a title (and also because: Clive Owen. Thank you, England!). Before I tell you my first travel book's title, I have to give you background scaffolding to it:

Background Scaffolding Exhibit A:

THIS VIDEO 

People who can do that are magic. And really, really fun to have at parties, I bet.

Background Scaffolding Exhibit B:

Way back many moons ago, I met several UK ex-pats via a friend transplanted here via London, and I was introduced to the concept of what I like to call "accent magic (TM)." British people can tell not only which region someone is from in their country, but also socioeconomic level. It's a thing that's unique, apparently, to the English, and years after I met these UK ex-pats, I read an interview with one of my favorite British actors, Jason Isaacs, and he confirmed it. 

Here's what they do: I was wowed and amazed one afternoon several years ago at a meetup.com get together for UK ex-pats. All the English people were standing around, talking to one another (with one eavesdropping American listening in, drinking in their exotic accents) and they just seemed to know instantly where someone was from without them ever having to say it. They all spoke some sort of weird, Tolkien-like shorthand with one another and I felt completely left out. So I thought the English people just all knew each other from previous meetups, but no! Turns out, almost everyone was new to everyone else at that little shindig, and they just all magically "know" each others backgrounds, like some kind of psychic, instinctive thing, totally based on speech patterns. Which in and of itself is mind blowing, but we probably do that here in America to some extent--I can tell if someone's from the South vs. the North vs. the Midwest and so forth. But what rocked my whole world and confirmed, yet again, that we are simply not using enough of our entire brains as a species, is that they could tell you sort of the exact area they were from in that geographic region and the socioeconomic level. Friends, that is one cool party trick! I walked out of that party going, "OMG. The British are MAGIC!"

And that is what I plan to title my first travel book of irreverent personal essays: The British are Magic. 

Which is why I can only do England first. I don't know what I'll call Scotland's book (The Scottish Can Be Slightly Incoherent?). Or Ireland's (The Irish Are Often Irate I Hope They Don't Bomb Me For Saying That?) Or Wales (The Welsh Have a Weird Language?) (and nobody from Wales can get mad at me for that, because I can totally say that on account of being half Welsh).

 And! The beauty of this whole job idea? IT NEVER ENDS. It just goes on and on, my friends. Once I've traveled the globe, I can come back to America and start in on each of the 50 states plus Puerto Rico and Guam and the U.S. Virgin Islands. In case you're wondering: I'll start with the U.S. Virgin Islands first. Idaho will be last. I'm not sure what's in Idaho, but I think that's where all the Ted Nugent loving, KKK, American terrorist militia are from. (I may go into hiding after titling that book.) (If I make it out of Idaho alive.)
The thing about British people is that we judge people within two syllables. When someone opens their mouth in England certainly, everybody can tell not just where they’re from geographically, but where they’re from socioeconomically and what kind of education they had and how they aspire to be perceived. You can hear all that and everybody is very precisely attuned to it. - See more at: http://www.hobotrashcan.com/2012/03/29/one-on-one-with-jason-isaacs/#sthash.EnnSomVy.dpuf
The thing about British people is that we judge people within two syllables. When someone opens their mouth in England certainly, everybody can tell not just where they’re from geographically, but where they’re from socioeconomically and what kind of education they had and how they aspire to be perceived. You can hear all that and everybody is very precisely attuned to it. - See more at: http://www.hobotrashcan.com/2012/03/29/one-on-one-with-jason-isaacs/#sthash.EnnSomVy.dpuf
The thing about British people is that we judge people within two syllables. When someone opens their mouth in England certainly, everybody can tell not just where they’re from geographically, but where they’re from socioeconomically and what kind of education they had and how they aspire to be perceived. You can hear all that and everybody is very precisely attuned to it. - See more at: http://www.hobotrashcan.com/2012/03/29/one-on-one-with-jason-isaacs/#sthash.EnnSomVy.dpuf
The thing about British people is that we judge people within two syllables. When someone opens their mouth in England certainly, everybody can tell not just where they’re from geographically, but where they’re from socioeconomically and what kind of education they had and how they aspire to be perceived. You can hear all that and everybody is very precisely attuned to it. - See more at: http://www.hobotrashcan.com/2012/03/29/one-on-one-with-jason-isaacs/#sthash.EnnSomVy.dpuf
The thing about British people is that we judge people within two syllables. When someone opens their mouth in England certainly, everybody can tell not just where they’re from geographically, but where they’re from socioeconomically and what kind of education they had and how they aspire to be perceived. You can hear all that and everybody is very precisely attuned to it. - See more at: http://www.hobotrashcan.com/2012/03/29/one-on-one-with-jason-isaacs/#sthash.EnnSomVy.dpu The thing about British people is we can judge people within two syllables