ghost of christmas past.

My house is haunted, Internet. Yes, I can hear you smirking. Listen: don't even make fun of me, this is serious. My house is haunted. I've been shaking off the suspicion for years, telling myself to stop being ridiculous. But I got definitive proof about it on Christmas Eve. And yes, I DO have proof. If it keeps happening, I'm going to have to call the Georgia Ghost Hunters people to come investigate and then won't every single one of you feel very silly for rolling your eyes at me when a bunch of paranormal investigators churn out all kinds of The Others evidence from my property that will make your eyes pop out of your head and your brain do a crazy dance. And so you all can just stop rolling your eyes at me right now because I think we've discussed this here before: GHOSTS ARE REAL.

Before I tell you what happened on Christmas Eve (and share my mind-blowing proof), let me tell you about a couple of things that have happened over the last several years in this house. Weird things. Odd happenings. Questionable incidents. But nothing that would make me go: Yo, this house is haunted. And then run for the hills.

Exhibit A.1: This picture.

This is C (who I've cropped out mostly, because I'm not sure he wants to be in my blog because he's fairly anti-social media for all intents and purposes so I basically just leave him out of it--it's a thing, and too long to go into right now and if I do it'll totally off track us, and I don't even know why I'm explaining any of this to you except that I'm just like this, this is how I am--which is also weird, because in person I can keep 9/10 of my private info private but when writing for some reason I turn into this bizarre oversharer and tell everybody everything and no, I don't understand it either except that I don't think I can help it, sorry, and just know it's a major source of conflict in my marriage, too. And now that I've shared THAT, I'm probably going to get in big trouble if C finds out I told other people about one of our marital sources of conflict but I can't help that either because OMG you guys! I HAD to share this evidence with you!)

Where was I? Right: This is C. He is holding Miss M at our house when she was a mere 2 days old. Do you see the very large pink orb on the right side of C's lower neck? Yes, every ghost hunter person anywhere in the world will tell you that whenever you see orbs in pictures, THOSE ARE THE GHOSTS. Some people will go: nah, that's just dust. But those people are wrong. It is NOT just dust. Dust in pictures looks totally different. First off, dust orbs are white. This one is pink.

But mostly, this picture was taken in broad daylight and no flash, and so there's no way it could be dust. Ghost! (Actually, at the time I took it, I said I hoped it was a guardian angel. It still could be. Fingers crossed it is...otherwise, stay out of my family pictures, you creepy haints.)

Exhibit A.2: These pictures.

There are no orbs in any of these pictures. I just knew I had your attention and needed you to be aware of what a freaking magically gorgeous baby my child was. I mean, look at her in that last one--not even 3 days old and she'd already mastered smiling. That's advanced. And you can see she's clearly destined for greatness as a Mafia Accountant. (No, seriously--she'd actually be crazy good at working for those kinds of people because they'd all be absolutely terrified of upsetting her...life gets complicated when Miss M is unhappy.)

Exhibit B: Strange happenings.

Things sometimes happen in my house that creep me out. I sometimes see strange shadows flying around the garage at night. There are bumps in the night. Literally: bumps in the night. Just weird, I-always-feel-like-somebody's-watching-me creepy feelings in general. I don't mind being alone in the house at night, or even sitting in a dark room by myself at night. But I prefer not to do it. I prefer to have someone with me, even if it's a terrified 6 year old who's convinced the Big Bad Wolf lurks in every corner of our house. There's safety in numbers. I think.

I should tell you here (since I'm an oversharer), for the longest time, I've been so frustrated with M. She hasn't slept alone since she was 2 years old because she's terrified of what lurks in our house's shadows. I've been thinking these weird shadowy things, bumpy sounds, and creepy feelings are just easily explained away by errant bugs or house foundational settlements, or just my overactive imagination. But maybe Miss M knows; maybe M has always known. (When she was very very small, I used to show her photographs of my father and her father's mother--both passed away long before M made her appearance on Earth--and whenever she saw them, she'd point to them and say: "Angel." See? Loved ones stay with us. Babies never tell lies; they are without guile.)

What I think I'm saying is: I may be living with the Big Bad Wolf. The ghostly version.

Exhibit C: Even stranger happenings.

On at least two occasions, I've been drifting off into sleep--not asleep, please note, awake and lucid but drifting off--when suddenly I sense I'm not by myself. And everything is set into motion very very fast--I know something not human is standing in the doorway of the bedroom, and as soon as I realize that, it comes toward me. I mean, I can HEAR it walking toward me--footsteps on carpet. And I know it's interested in me, and coming to me. I don't know whether it's there to hurt me or not, and I don't care. I jump out of bed screaming, literally screaming. Which pretty much scares it away.

A lot of people will say: Oh, Amy, that was just a bad dream. And maybe. Except I was awake? In the bedroom?

I don't know, you guys. Brains are weird. Our brains can do some of the weirdest things. So a part of me just says (and I know many of you are thinking this right now): Oh, Amy, this is just your weird brain in overdrive. Maybe you should change your diet. Get some more fresh air. Stop watching PARANORMAL ACTIVITY and CELEBRITY GHOST STORIES at 3 o'clock in the morning. Something. 

And yes, you're right. I know PARANORMAL ACTIVITY and CELEBRITY GHOST STORIES at 3 AM are bad ideas, generally. But I also know what I've felt and seen. And I also want to tell you I've been brushing it off. Really, for many years, seriously brushing it off. There's always such a simple explanation for lots of weird, strange goings on. TAPs people will tell you that--they live to debunk strange happenings...until they just can't, and that's why GHOST HUNTERS and GHOST HUNTERS INTERNATIONAL are very scientific and far more exciting than colonies on Mars so I propose there should be a Department of Ghosts in every world government right next door to their Outer Space exploration departments. And if the world governments would stop dicking around and quit arguing with each other about money and acting like a bunch of insecure teenage boys comparing who's warheads are bigger, we could probably find a way to time travel. (I don't know how that's connected to ghosts, except for some reason I feel it should be. And that the world's governments are wasting a lot of quantum time travel time. Which could totally be solved...with...time travel...Sorry. Moving on):

Exhibit D: WTF?!

But then Christmas Eve happened. And Exhibit D, the sprinkles on the cherry on the icing on the top of the cake. Please go listen to this video I took on Christmas Eve and tell me you don't hear a voice in it:

Do you hear it? It happens right before I pan away from the tree over to the shelving unit. It's about a millisecond of voice, fast and soft--you have to turn your volume WAY up and really listen. I can't make out what it's saying--I'm hoping it's saying something like: "I like the lights" and not something like "Goddamned lights!". It sounds like some sort of creepy elfen voice, sort of lower register but after inhaling helium. The kind of voice you'd hear in a movie like The Exorcist or Amityville Horror. Or maybe it's just a nice old lady who smoked too much, passing through. Or a nice old lady who smoked too much....and then axe murdered her family on our property back in the 1800's when she got possessed by the devil! (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Ask me why I was up until 3 AM on Christmas Eve. Because I was being Santa's elf? Or being creeped out by Satan's goblins in my living room? I sat with the lights on, hanging out on social media for a really long time, hoping that someone would at least virtually hold me--the other two people in my house were fast asleep and I felt the need to keep vigil over them for a bit. I have 3 Nativity scenes in my house, which equals 3 Baby Jesuses. And not a single Baby Jesus helped me that night. Duly noted, Baby Jesus. Making a mental note of your lack of concern.

I guess I'm not really that scared. I mean, I'm not packing bags and demanding we move. But it's making my insomnia worse, and I'm really crossing my fingers hard that whatever it is is a friendly thing, and not something from the crypt. The thought has crossed my mind that, because I go on various different ghost tours every now and then, I may be bringing this shit back with me. I've heard some of them like to attach to people and go where they go. And that's way too M. Night Shyamalan's The Sixth Sense for me. Stop doing that, ghosts. Go find Donald Trump and Rush Limbaugh--they both seem like they could use some spooky friends from the Other Side.

That's it. That's all the evidence I've gathered so far. If I get braver, I know there are EVP apps for smart phones, and I may download one to do some home ghost hunting and if I do, I'll share my results here (of course I will, because sharing is the nicest thing about me). The only problem is, I'd have to do the ghost hunting in the dark, in my house.....ALONE. I'm not opposed to ghost hunting,  but I do need someone to be with me, so I can cling to them and use them as a human shield of protection against all things paranormal and sinister. And also run away and leave them in the lurch when the fear factor gets too outrageous. I can't imagine anything worse than being asked to hang out somewhere creepy, alone, in the pitch dark, inviting ghosts to run their cold fingers down your back and leave you freaky messages on Electronic Voice Phenomenon recordings. I think it's just a good, practical idea to have someone else with you to distract an angry ghost with. Bait, is what I'm saying. I need ghost bait.

And the other big problem is that I don't have anyone in my house to do this with. I live with a total paranormal skeptic and someone who, in broad daylight, refuses to go upstairs alone because that's the Big Bad Wolf's lair. The skeptic would spend the whole night scaring me and freaking me out with calculated malicious intent, and the other one would probably end up psychologically scarred permanently, never able to do anything alone ever again, and she'd also say a bunch of crazy things about me in her therapist's office and then expect ME to pay the bill.

sigh. I'm on my own with this one, Internet. A lone cowgirl. A ghost hunter maverick. A solitary scientist.

Unless...I mean, do you have some time and want to come visit to investigate my house? Oh, what? No--I won't actually be there. HA! No. You'd be on your own with this. I'll be in a hotel down the street. But you'll have a skeptic making fun of you and a 6 year old going ape shit bananas with fear on you the whole time, and that won't be distracting or freak you out at all.


  1. I listened and heard the voice. The first time I watched it I thought it said something about lights, but then I just listened with my eyes closed and thought it said something like, "I would have liked that" - like they would have liked having your tree if they were still around. Maybe you need Gayla and I to do a sleepover and some ghost hunting?

  2. Oh yes, Becky! (And Gayla!) We'd have to send C and M somewhere for the night, but this could be great fun! And then I'd have TWO human ghost baits, so all the ghostly attention wouldn't be on me. Most awesome. :-)


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