insomnia rambles.

Want some insomniac thoughts for your Wednesday (or whenever)? Here's a sampling of what goes on in my mind when unable to sleep:

1-Well, crap, y'all. I had to close comments again for awhile. Two people left me some thoughts about my holiday struggles. I'm not mad about them, but they weren't really what I needed to see at 3 AM when up with insomnia, thinking about my lot in life. (Both basically said I need to stop this foolishness and go back to my husband. One said do it for my daughter, she needs her father. Basically making a judgment call on me and my life without knowing me, him, or her, or the full nature of the situation. I have written copious amounts of other blog entries about it - had they read those and absorbed them, along with all of my other ridiculous inanity here, I bet they would have understood this is just how things work here and I'm a very this-too-shall-pass kinda gal. However, for now, I think no comments are best.) 

But you know. Such is the nature of social media and being open/vulnerable on the Internet. I hope this means my skin is getting thicker. I really, really want thicker skin. I sense it'll help me later in life. 

2- Mysteriously and without telling you the specifics (because this is the Internet), I got a message from a man the other day on the Internet. He was a stranger, and he wanted to take me on a date. He said I was beautiful. And then he said he changed his mind about taking me on a date, because even though he thought I was really pretty he could never date someone like me. And the reason he couldn't is because, politically, I lean left. And then he went on a really long rant about how leftie liberals are destroying America and the world, and we're the reason for all the bad things. And he concluded his strange rant with: too bad, because I'd totally sleep with you. Message me if you're interested.

Internet, you are a strange, bizarre world. 

(A) First, what? I bet he's a super fun first date. (I'm being sarcastic.) (B) Second, what?? Why would I want to sleep with someone who thinks I'm the source of all evil in the world? and (C) Third, what??? 

I'm not opposed to remaining single and alone for the rest of my life, if THAT is all I have to choose from. (But it didn't bother me; I really do think my skin is getting thicker. I just deleted and moved on. He'll find his Anne Coulter one day, and they will make hideous Donald Trump babies.)

I also think it didn't bother me because...you know what he really sounded like? One of those guys who gets all his information about how women work and how to get women from those misogynistic websites and organizations. You know the ones - they're the ones that tell men women are all bitches, and feminism is why. That you just have to keep your woman in the kitchen and let her know who's REALLY in charge, because that's what women all secretly desire no matter what they actually say. Women were created to be conquered. 

(uuuhhhh....NO. False. No, gentlemen. Not even remotely close.) (Unless you are Jamie Dornan...read further.)

3-I went to a former co-worker's retirement party yesterday. Sweet, lovely, amazing lady. Seriously. Like, Martha Stewart and Florence Nightingale and the Melanie Wilkes from Gone With The Wind, all wrapped up on one person. Breast cancer survivor. Artist. Immensely kind human being. The standard to which all humans should strive to be. Kind and creative and beautiful and lovely person. We were both on staff when the place opened, and so I have so so many memories she's attached to...lots of memories. 

The sweet lady who was our school secretary when I started there came, and she occasionally reads this blog (hi, M! If you're here!), and she came over and gave me the biggest, longest hug and let me know she understands how this is. Her situation was much harder, and far different than mine. Sadder. But it's all kind of the same, when you end a relationship. Even when it's the best thing to do. And she made me cry. Kindness and love always makes me cry, because my heart...my heart. 

Anyway. She told me to make my own memories now and to stay strong. What she said meant a lot to me. (Sometimes I think we are placed exactly where we need to be, at just the moment we need to be there, with just the people we need to be with. Don't you?) And I think people who are gentle and kind and non-judgmental are the best kind of people to be around. Also: hugs are nice. Way more helpful than anything else. Just be supportive when someone is having a hard time. Hug them. People need hugs and hugs are nice. That's all.

4-I've watched two movies recently that are about sex. Let's get the first one out of the way: Fifty Shades of Grey. Yes, I admit it: I watched it. But only for Jamie Dornan. And I will ALWAYS watching anything that Jamie Dornan is in now. Oh, Jamie Dornan. Beautiful Jamie Dornan. 

I haven't read the book. I refuse to read the book. The book annoys me. How many superbly amazing writers are out there right now, desperate to be published? And some fan fic chick not only gets pubbed but also becomes a famous millionaire on top of it AND Jamie Dornan stars in the movie version of her book??????? Goddammit, Humanity.  (There are some very talented fan fic chicks out there who ought to have this happen to them...not convinced E.L. James is one, but then. Confession: I refuse to read her book.) 


But the movie, surprisingly, wasn't bad. I think because Jamie Dornan saved it. My overall reaction: I would be totally okay with Jamie Dornan's "playroom." And I think Don Johnson and Melanie Griffith's daughter was nuts for leaving Jamie Dornan. At the end (I'm just going to tell you the ending...if this is going to upset you, quickly scroll past all this) (though I must tell you that if hearing the end of this story is going to upset you, you may need to re-evaluate your entire life).........................at the end, she tells him to show her exactly how he wants to punish her. She wants to understand his fucked up psychology. (Girlfriend, he's been slapping at you with whips and a cat o'nine tails for 2 hours. You need further explanation?) So he shows her. And basically, it's that he wants to paddle her behind. He told her exactly how many times he'd do it, and on top of that they weren't even that hard (I could tell they weren't very hard hits because when I was in 1st grade, I got paddled at school) (I know, I KNOW!! I know you want to hear that story, but it'll get us off-track...I'll come back and tell you it this weekend). 

At any rate, she gets SO upset about it. She walks away from jet airplanes, fancy cars, expensive dinners, and you know..amazingness. And a man who secretly loves her, just in a really fucked up way. 

The main problem I had with Jamie Dornan/Christian Grey is that he was too controlling. I have a big, big issue with people who need to control other people. If you need to put someone in a cage to make them yours, then they were never yours to begin with. Constantly calling her, wanting to know where she was/what she was doing, showing up at the restaurant and interrupting dinner with her mom without permission - that's the kind of shit that would end things for me. She loved all that; yet it was a paddling session that ruined it for her. His need to paddle her butt was just too much. But not all the "What was that? That's right: 'Yes, sir.'" and the you-belong-to-ME issues. 

Though I'd have kept the car, dammit. That was a nice car. (It's because I'm constantly terrified my car is going to break down on me and I'll have to put $2000 into it to fix it, and I'll be totally screwed.)

Also, there are really, really angry people out there who think this book and movie propagates domestic violence. I get it. On the surface, BDSM looks like a strange, effed up mess. I once hung out, reading for a bit, a submissive lady's website. I could never submit like that to a man...I could submit in a lot of other ways. But I would not be okay having a man tell me to clean this up or do your hair like this or I want you in black today. This raises my hackles and my latent anger issues really start percolating. But for some women, this works. I'm not going to judge them. Because I don't think BDSM is really about domestic violence, is it? Domestic violence is unwanted, unwelcome. People get rushed to the ER or die. In BDSM situations, everyone appears to be in agreement, there are safe words, and it's about weird psychological needs more than a need to own another human being because you can't handle your own shit. If this is what brings someone else peace and love, then it's not for us to say what's weird and messed up and what's not...right? I don't eat escargot because eating snails looks weird and messed up to me. Others think snails are incredibly delicious things to chew on. 

So - and this is probably going to garner me some more unsolicited commentary from Internet strangers stopping by (except they'll have to keep them in their brains because comments closed) - I don't have a problem with BDSM people in general. I think they may need some therapy maybe, but therapy isn't cheap and if this is what gets them from point A to point B to point C in life? Then maybe that IS their therapy, and so it is not for you or I to try to make them feel bad about it. We all have our own little vices, don't we? Some of us binge watch Breaking Bad whenever we get a chance, some of us eat too much brownie brittle (it's a thing now, did you know?), some of us use our credit cards too often and freely, some of us spend too much time thinking about Jamie Dornan...wait, those are my vices. But you understand what I mean, yes?

The other movie I watched was called Shame and it starred Michael Fassbender and Michael Fassbender's junk. Here's the thing about this movie: if you're watching it because you like Michael Fassbender (and who doesn't like Michael Fassbender??) and just want to see his junk and/or you've heard there's a really graphic threesome scene and you're all about those because yay threesomes? Then you aren't going to enjoy this movie. 

First of all, it's a long movie (about 2 hours). Second, it's a quiet movie, with really long scenes. God bless those actors, they all deserve an Oscar. I get nervous when someone won't quickly take my picture on school picture day; I can't imagine having a camera trained on my face for 200 minutes, while I'm supposed to just use my eyes to express my feelings. These are the kinds of scenes you'll watch in this movie. 

Also, the subject matter of the movie was disturbing. This is a story about fucked up people doing fucked up things. Fassbender's character wasn't erotic; he was a gigantic mess. The threesome scene wasn't erotic; it was a gigantic mess. I don't mean how it was directed, I mean what and why a threesome happened in this movie. Because this was a story about someone who isn't just occasionally cuddling with his inner demons, this was a movie about someone who consistently allows his inner demons to have their way with him in the most inappropriate of ways until, finally, they just throw their hands in the air and say "Fuck it!" and rape him. This is a movie about sex, but it's not the least bit sexy. Is what I'm saying. Fifty Shades of Grey was also about sex, but they really tried hard to make it sexy. This movie was just about raw human stuff. With really long, quiet scenes in which there was a lot going on. (It was Art, is what I'm telling you...Fifty Shades of Grey was a book-turned-movie. Steve McQueen's Shame is Art.)

Having said that, this wasn't a bad movie; it was really well-acted, directed, cinematography was gorgeous. Carrie Mulligan, you can SING, love. And Michael Fassbender can walk through my apartment naked anytime he'd like. Anytime. But not as this character. And also, Michael Fassbender can tell you his feelings just with his eyes, and that's nice. I think more people should do that - talk with their eyes. 

So here's what happened with these two movies and me: First I saw Fifty Shades of Grey, and I was all: hmmm...BDSM doesn't look so bad, not if you're doing it with someone like Jamie Dornan. Then I saw Shame, and I was all: Whoa! If Michael Fassbender's guy went to Jamie Dornan's playroom, somebody wouldn't make it out alive. So think I'm going to table that for awhile. A long, long while. 

(Unless I meet Jamie Dornan's Christian Grey and he takes me to Europe.)

5 - It is almost 5 AM now and my alarm is about to go off. Insomnia, I give up. I'm not even going to fight you anymore. I'm just going to let you have your way with me. Take me to your playroom, but let's not tell the Internet in case the Internet wants to judge us. 

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