bad at endings.

Hi, Internet. How are you tonight? (It's Friday night as I type this.) How was your week? Did you get a lot accomplished? Were you stressed at all? Did anything super happy come your way? Anything exciting? Or maybe something sad or bad happened to you (today, in Atlanta, an airplane crashed on Interstate 285 and 4 people died. The people who loved those 4 people are having a really bad day). 

I'm just telling you about the plane crash because I needed to keep my life in perspective, particularly right now. I don't know if I've ever told you this, but I make frequent requests (ok, fine--demands) to the Universe and these are usually along the lines of: Give me this, or Take away that, or I promise to...if You'll just..., or (my frequent favorite) Oh, help, please please HELP. 

C and I are separating this summer; we spoke a little about it tonight on the way to our little girl's soccer practice. I have decided to get an apartment instead of keep the house, because our house overwhelms me; I need to be able to (a) live on/clean only one floor of living space and (b) when something breaks, be able to pick up a phone and dial ONE number for help. More than that sends me into throes of procrastination Limbo and, believe me, that is never ever pretty to witness.

I love C with my whole heart, and I always will. He has been one of my Life's greatest teachers and helpers, and I think he will always be someone I can call for help or just advice. And I say that, because I think I will always be someone he can call for help or just advice (though, if we're going to be VERY honest here, I need more help with Life than C typically does). 

About February of 2014, we decided that though we love each other a lot, we're simply two different people, who want very different things now. We have tried hard to find a middle meeting place with that for many many years, with the help of many many couples counselors, and have been unable to. He is tired of beating a square peg to get it to fit into a round hole; I am tired of being a square peg constantly trying to reconfigure my shape so it fits in a round hole. Counselors, despite their many years of training and service, have never figured out a way to help the two of us reconcile that. 

In addition, I tend to...withdraw...when terribly vexed. It is the nature of my INFP-ness. C does not understand or know how to cope with this, and...there are other aspects that play into our communications issues, but these are far too personal for a public blog. Just know: it's really, really, really important to talk to your partner...but it's also really, really, really important (possibly more important) to listen. That is all I can say.

Elizabeth Gilbert, in her books COMMITTED: A LOVE STORY and EAT PRAY LOVE wrote these important things about love and commitment:

“People always fall in love with the most perfect aspects of each other’s personalities. Who wouldn’t? Anybody can love the most wonderful parts of another person. But that’s not the clever trick. The really clever trick is this: Can you accept the flaws? Can you look at your partner’s faults honestly and say, ‘I can work around that. I can make something out of it.’? Because the good stuff is always going to be there, and it’s always going to pretty and sparkly, but the crap underneath can ruin you.” (COMMITTED: A LOVE STORY)

and

 

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master...”  (EAT PRAY LOVE)

What I'm saying (by using Liz's words that really hit me in the gut whenever I read them) is that they define what C and I are, and have been for a long while now, going through. That it's imperative you are able to accept the other's flaws; that you should not try to change the soul to whom you feel most devoted, because that soul is a divine connection to yours and if when you try to change the divine, you are really mucking things up. I am saying that, if you love someone so much you want to be with them for always, then you must also love their least lovable parts as well, even when you think you can't any longer. 

I can't say that I have done that for C. I won't speak for C here, because it would be hurtful. But I would hope he's spent some time really pondering how much he truly did this for me.

Having said that, if Liz is correct about soul mates, then C is mine. He's been a mirror, showing me where I'm holding back; he's smacked me awake more times than my parents ever did; he's peeled back layers of Amy I never knew were there. And I hope I've done that, on some levels at least, for him. 

We are very civil, and we are staying good friends, because we share a little girl who is full of indignation and a big big heart; a soccer playing, dramatic little princess for whom we want only the very best. But this is a very, very sad time for me right now. I'm not sad about the actual failure part of my marriage--I think we both tried as hard as we possibly could to rescue it; in the end, it was just time. What I am most sad about is the relinquishing of shared dreams and memories, and the nostalgia for what might have been and wasn't meant to be. And I am sad for Miss M, because this is going to be a hard journey for her to take; a journey she didn't ask to take, one she doesn't really want to go on.

So the next several months will be very hard for all of us, and so...if I come here and write weird blog posts expounding on sort of spiritual-y sounding weirdness, or I wax poetic about love and loss, this is why. Endings are hard, and I am not good at them. In writing...or in Life.**

(Can I share a quote with you? From one of my favorite movies? It helps me in times like this, and that's why storytelling matters, friends):

Don't judge me by my rom-coms. Because Harry Connick, Jr.

**Also know that I will be okay. I always am. And, though my marriage is ending, and DIG (on USA!) has also ended (sob), I will find other things to occupy my time and mind with; and I will be okay. Everything happens exactly as, and when, it's meant to. This is one of those meant to's.