|Source: Free Will Astrology|
So I've been looking for apartments, and weighing things like:
*Could I live without a garage? Could I live with having to empty the grocery bags in a thunderstorm? Can I live with having less storage space and also having to scrape ice off a car at 6:45 AM in the winter? (Right now, yes. I can. But check back in with me in a month or so, after a long week of rain or later this winter, after a bizarre Georgia deep freeze.)
*Can I live with having people stomping around above me? Or being worried about people below me getting annoyed by me stomping around above them? Can I live with just a wall separating me and some stranger(s), and maybe hearing that stranger fighting with someone or, oh god, having sex? At 3 AM? (Yes, I could live with that. And I promise if I ever hear a neighbor having sex at 3 AM, I'll write about it here in great detail.)
*Can I live with walking up 3 or 4 flights of stairs? With heavy bags of groceries or other store bought goods? (No. Not 3-4 flights of stairs. But I COULD live with walking up 1 or 2 flights of stairs.)
I've been looking for a washer and dryer, because one thing I know I can't live with is having to haul my dirty laundry down to a public laundromat. Which I think is really, really ironic, since I do nothing BUT haul down my dirty laundry here, on this blog. Therein making it a public laundromat. (You guys are my change machines.)
I've been thinking about which furniture to take, and which to leave. I don't want to leave C in an empty space, but I can't afford a whole new home of furniture. And we have art pieces I adore; which ones do I take, which ones do I leave behind? Can I leave them all behind? (No. And thankfully, a lot of the art pieces I adore are Buddhist in nature, and C has zero interest in religion of any kind.)
I've been weighing WHERE to live:
The artist in me is saying; Atlanta Atlanta Atlanta. It's where all the hipsters live. But could I raise a child in Atlanta? Could I afford to raise a child in Atlanta? (No. Not because I think it's bad for her; I actually think it would be a good thing. But because I can't afford it, and the daily drives would send me over the edge. I-85 in rush hour? Please slowly and methodically just pull my fingernails off instead, okay?)
Could I go live in my mom's part of Atlanta, like my mom has been begging me to for about 10 years now? (No, I could not. Not because I don't love my mom and can't see the benefits of living close to her; but because I'd rather have my fingernails pulled off slowly and methodically than get on I-985 and then I-85 at 5:45 AM every day. I love you, mom, but NO.) (Also, I could not live in an area where my mom could just show up on my doorstep and start giving me advice on how I'm hanging my curtains; my mother has done this, and it has not ended well for us. Or the curtains.)
Could I live in Suwanee or Johns Creek, GA which I both totally and completely heart even though they are overflowing with far right Tea Party Conservative Republicans who make me very very nervous? (Yes, I COULD. But I've looked and I'm not sure I can afford to live in either of those towns. They're almost more expensive than Midtown Atlanta. Stupid Tea Party Conservative Republicans!! You're making everything too expensive!! With your dumb trickle down theories.)
Could I live where I am right now? Even though I see it gentrifying and worry about getting robbed by teenaged Caucasian meth heads? (Yes. Because I'll just go live in an illegal Hispanic immigrant area any day; they are much nicer people than Tea Party Conservative Republicans anyway.)
I don't know. I've just been walking through my house, considering what to take, mulling over what to leave. Sometimes feeling justified, sometimes feeling guilty, sometimes feeling nostalgic and mournful, many times feeling just very very sad and scared.
But at the same time I also feel hopeful and free. And relieved and powerful. And certain and creative.
This is a weird time in life for me: sad, happy, hopeful, scared, excited, worried. My Rob Brezny Pisces horoscope this week (I don't care if you believe in this or not--it's REAL) said this:
Is there an interesting ally whose path rarely crosses yours? Do you draw inspiration from a like-minded dynamo who is not fully available? Has fate kept you and a friend from getting as close as you would wish? According to my reading of the astrological omens, relationships like these could become more substantial in the coming weeks. The dream of a more robust connection could ripen into an opportunity to actually collaborate. So be alert for the openings, and be prepared to do what's necessary to go deeper.
So in addition to considering what I could/couldn't live with/without, I've also been trying to think: who's my ally, the one whose path rarely crosses mine? Who's not fully available?
If this is you, would you please consider getting in touch with me? I need help picking out the right bedding.