movie rules.

Cinema ninjas: brilliant! It should be a high-paying
career option.
Source: whenonearth.net
Yesterday, Miss M and I went to the movies. (Side note: I love my child, but I'm tired of doing everything SHE wants and never getting to do what I want. I remain desperate to see adult movies...if it's a child-oriented movie, I promise I've seen it. But movies for grown ups are elusive to me, and I still need a date with a movie professional.) We saw Minions, which I thought had some issues - mainly with keeping my attention - but had its ridiculously cute and funny moments. Also: I would like to have a minion for a pet now, please. 

But mostly what weirded me out was the quality of human in the theater with us. We go to this theater a lot, but never on a Saturday evening to see a highly anticipated movie right after its release. (It was crowded, is what I'm trying to say. It was ridiculously crowded, and we had to sit in the break-your-neck-looking-up-at-the-screen area.) 

I try not to judge other people. I really, really do. This is a hard planet to live on, the Supreme Court and Congress are making the divide between the haves and have-nots even worse, and Donald Trump is running for president...AGAIN, jesus god. We are all fighting hard battles, some harder than others, and I genuinely believe that makes it important for us to be gentle with one another.

Having said all that, please indulge me a moment while I judge some of my fellow human beings. I'm going to judge these people and then I promise I'll go back to being a really open, loving, accepting person:

1. The lady directly in front of us sat on her cell phone for almost TWO HOURS, playing on Facebook. From my vantage point, what she was doing was working on pictures depicting herself and her sweet children having a great time at the mall, in the car, all of them just one big ol' smile-y, happy, aren't-we-a-really-awesomely-cute-and-sweet-totally-have-our-shit-together-kind-of-family-don't-you-wish-you-were-us?! sort of pictures. I watched her, off and on, for two hours do the following: tag the pictures, adjust the pictures, repeatedly go back to check for comments and likes under the pictures. 

Meanwhile, her family sat next to her while she totally ignored the movie and the two sweet children in the pictures she was obsessed over. She was far too busy looking at pictures of herself being an awesome mom than, you know, actually BEING an awesome mom. (Pictures lie, is the moral of this tale, I think.) 

I find the 21st century to be totally ironic in this way. Thanks so much for mucking humanity up, social media.

2. I really wanted to take a picture as evidence of this, but then that would have made me part of the problem and not the solution.

3. Ladies. Ladies! If you are over 300 lbs, you are NOT allowed to wear halter tops with leggings. I know it's hot. I know that outfit is comfy. But please. This was an area with very small children. One of whom turned to me and said, "Mom! Mom! Why is that lady's huge boobs coming out of her shirt!" 

4. If you are standing in line, waiting to buy tickets and your entire party is not with you yet and you do not have the money to purchase the tickets for them, then you may NOT tell the lady with the antsy kid behind you they're not allowed to go in front of you. You may not tell them this. Because that makes you a stodgy line-holder-upper. 

And then, when you've put yourself in the situation you have put yourself in and so now you're forced to move forward to purchase a group of tickets of which you can only afford one, and the ticket seller kid tells you you can't do that? And then the lady and her kid move up to buy their tickets like they should have been able to do in the first effing place? You may NOT stand there stewing and grumpy and put out about the whole thing. You may not do this. Because that makes you an asshole.

5. If you are buying tickets as a very, very large group of teenage boys and there's a long line waiting to be, you know, where you are so they can also buy tickets, please (a) know exactly which movie you want to see and (b) have enough money to buy your ticket. Standing around, discussing your options and saying things like, "Yo, bro! You got another dollar?" will just cause the lady with her 6 year old standing ten people behind you to wish you death threats and utter a million swear words about you in her head.

6. All babies should be outlawed from cinemas.

The End.

Kermode & Mayo's Cinema Rules: also brilliant, and should be posted in every
cinema on Earth. Standards, fellow planetary citizens. Standards.

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