ghost hunter rules.

Totally stole this from Wikipedia.
...would totally scream and run into the nearest
person's arms if I saw this.

Can I just apologize for that last entry? The one about eros/longing? I've re-read the thing like 200 times and I'm not sure what the hell I was trying to actually say. I'm pretty sure I had a point when I started typing, but by the end I was just all over the place. Like a possessed ping pong ball. If I had to re-title that piece, I'd call it: Longing - Needle in a Haystack. 

It's almost October! The days are getting shorter, the nights are getting colder. I'm okay with the cold nights; not okay with the short daylight hours. (Quick side story: one Christmas, my mom gave everyone checks for like $50 to buy whatever they wanted. When it was my turn to open my package, I did not get a $50 check. I got a Happy Light. Do you know about those? You sit in front of them all winter and they're supposed to trick your body into thinking there's longer sunlight which is supposed to boost  your mood and make you happier. The Happy Light did not make me happy, though, and I returned it to Costco where I exchanged it for $50 worth of wine, which DID make me happy. And got me through a real rough winter.)

I want to go on a ghost hunt. Some dear friends and I like to take ghost tours, but these are different than ghost hunts. First off, you have to take all kinds of people on the ghost tours - some serious, some not, some really old and more interested in the history of the place than its haints. And they take a lot of flash photography, which I bet annoys the crap out of haints, and so they stay away.

No. I want to go on a ghost HUNT. With serious professionals. And use serious professional equipment like EVP (Electronic Voice something that starts with a P) recorders, fancy pants infrared cameras and stuff. And I want there to be serious people who know their paranormal stuff like nobody's business. For example: Jason Hawes of Ghosthunters. (Fine. Fine! Really, it's that I just want to hang out with Jason Hawes of Ghosthunters.)

But I have demands for my ghost hunting experience, and here they are:

1. I cannot ever EVER be alone.
2. I need to have a flashlight and night vision goggles on me at all times so I can see in pitch black darkness. 
3. I need to know EXACTLY where the escape, I mean exit, doors are in case something weird touches me.
4. I cannot ever EVER be alone.
5. Jason Hawes needs to be my partner.
6. I get to joke around with the ghosts if I get nervous.
7. I cannot ever EVER be alone.
8. There needs to be a good amount of beer to get me through the night.
9. If something weird touches me and I can't quickly locate an exit door, Jason Hawes must hold me for as long as I need him to.
10. I get to use all the cool equipment.
11. I cannot ever EVER be alone.

And that's it. 

I would also like the ghost hunt to be in a cool Victorian or earlier era home, but I'll take ancient distillery in a pinch. Or a hotel.

Once, I was on a ghost tour with some friends in Chattanooga, Tennessee. There's a hotel there (a Marriott, I think) that supposedly has a room that is terribly haunted. It's haunted by the spirit of a woman who was raped and murdered and she despises (with good reason) men now. Don't go in there if you have a Y chromosome! She'll get you. They tried to renovate the room, apparently, but she kept coming in at night and ripping it all up. Now, they'll claim they don't have a room number 233 (or whatever the number is), but if you demand to rent it, they'll sigh and give in to you. But then you have to sign a release saying (a) you won't demand your money back if you leave before dawn and (b) you won't sue anybody. 

When the tour ended, my friends and I went back to the hotel to stand outside Room 233 (or whatever number it is) and freak ourselves the hell out. Then a man came around the corner and asked us if we needed help, and we screamed and ran away. Then the elevator got jammed (or, you know, we forgot to press the buttons to make it go) and we screamed and laughed our ridiculous heads off a lot when we realized it was because we forgot to press some buttons. 

I'm pretty sure Jason Hawes and serious ghost hunters would be okay hanging out all night with that kind of attitude, right? I mean, once my terror dies down, I laugh and laugh. Ghosts are fun!