weird and paranoid sick chick.

I'm home sick today, Internet. Last night was a long night of achy body, headache, fever/chills. Thank god for ibuprofen, thank god for it. About 3 AM I finally felt more human. Quite frankly, I don't know how I got through yesterday afternoon managing a large group of children plus my own later on. 

(Newly single mom confessional side note: I did not manage my own. I bought her a Happy Meal dinner, stuck her in front of Netflix, and went to bed. At 8 PM I woke up and made her run her own bath, brush her own teeth, and put her own self to bed. Independence Boot Camp Training, is what I call this.)

(As a New Age-y, hippie side note I'd like to say: I think, sometimes, when things like this happen, it's the Universe telling us: ooookayyyy...you're done. Time to stop running around so cray cray and go to bed. Get off the Internet, close that email, stop worrying about that data, forget that softball practice, that person will just have to figure him/herself out themselves, etc etc etc...you go to bed. Time to reset.)

Today, I'm slightly better but still off. Tomorrow, I have another day off because of doctor appointments (irony). So this morning, at 6:30 AM, I drove to work, dragged myself inside, and high fived myself for making all those copies at the end of the day yesterday. Pulled everything together for a substitute teacher today and tomorrow, and now the pieces get to fall where they may. 

The substitute teacher for today was already in my room. I look like I feel - sick crap. He recoiled from me in horror, and I'll be honest: it made me want to laugh and laugh. I can only imagine. On the plus side, I got to correct some misconceptions he has about 7 year olds. And now I'm pretty certain he'll take them to the cafeteria for lunch AND pick them up. I'm going to assume he knows he also has to take them to Art today, too, that helpers don't just show up at the door to take everybody everywhere. This is PUBLIC school, yo.

I had a really rough weekend, mentally and emotionally. It's hard to know who to trust sometimes. I am loved, and I am grateful for it, but sometimes it's just hard to know who to trust. And because I don't always trust my gut instincts, I can be easily swayed from one side to another...back and forth, back and forth. I'm telling you about this because what it does to me is make me weird and paranoid. And I don't like feeling weird and paranoid. Because then I get weird and paranoid about feeling weird and paranoid. It's a problem. 

Basically, for my life right now, I have a very simple agenda, a very uncomplicated, six-point Life Road Map:

1. Stop being weird and paranoid.

2. Figure out who's trustworthy, and who's not. 

3. Stop being up and down. One or two times of up and down per year is plenty. Not every week.

4. Give happiness, be happy.

5. Give love, be loved.

6. Achieve ultimate Enlightenment. (Or at least the ability to stay calm and focused amongst all the dysfunctional, needy, crazy people around me.)

That's not too much to ask. I don't think.

You know what's most ironic to me right now? Work. Work is actually going really, really well this year. I am in deep love with my class. I'm just besotted with them, really. If I had more disposable income, I'd take them all on a fabulous learning trip somewhere. And I like my bosses. I think my bosses ask me to do crazy things, but I've become absolutely convinced it's because their bosses ask them to do crazy things, and that's because THEIR bosses ask THEM to do crazy things. Bosses!!! STOP!! Stop it. Stop asking for crazy things.

So I'm still overwhelmed at work, but a routine has been established, and there is a lot of love there, so we're plowing through. 

It's my personal life that's bizarre and out of control right now. Here's what'll happen: something will happen, I'll feel weird and wonder about it. So I'll phone a friend. And that person will tell me Thing A, which kind of freaks me out. So I'll phone another friend. And that person will tell me Thing B, which freaks me out more. And before I know it, now I'm existing entirely inside my own head, overthinking, overanalyzing, trying to mind read and...weird and paranoid. It's exhausting, and makes me want to crawl into a cave and tell the world to go fuck itself.

At some point, the real Dark Night of the Soul will come, I know, and I'll have to make one of the hardest changes to myself I've ever made. It's around the bend, I can just feel it. Hope I'm up for it. (Dear Universe, please don't send it today. I need to sleep most of this afternoon and re-balance my body.)

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