40 goals: revisited.

I was reviewing, the other day, a list of 40 goals I set for myself in January that I was going to meet in 2015. We're about 2 months or so away from the end of 2015, and I thought maybe now would be a good time to start getting it all in. (This is how I do everything, by the way: wait until the last minute - I work on deadline. With EVERYTHING...laundry, returning phone calls, bills, grading papers, making dinner, getting ready for house guests, leaving to meet friends for dinner...EVERY. Thing.) 

Lands, Internet. Per my usual, I am behind. So I'm re-posting the entire list, with commentary about how that's worked out for me. (This is more for me than for you, by the way. I think it's about time I start getting my ass in gear and re-focusing. Meanwhile, you're welcome to be entertained by my tragic inability to consistently be all that I can be.) 

THE LIST

1. See (in a theater) 5 movies that do not involve cartoons, singing animals, or princesses of any kind. I have no idea how many movies I've seen in the theater. I know the last movie I saw was animated (Hotel Transylvania 2, wait for the DVD). I think I've seen 3 movies that are for grown ups. After work this week, I'm taking myself to see Crimson Peak, because Jessica Chastain and Victorian ghosts. So that'll be 4. I have two more months to get the last one in. I'm going to put this in the I (Almost!) Did It! category.

2. Write 1 book review, and try to take it seriously. Nope. But there's still time!

3. Write 1 movie review, and try to take it seriously.Nope. But there's still time!

4. Go back to the Margaret Mitchell House at least one time to hear a visiting author read/speak about whatever work s/he is hocking. (You do know that book tours are like press junkets for literary types?) (I used to go to the Margaret Mitchell House all the time, but then I had a kid. Margaret's house is no place for busy little kids.) Nope! And it's the Margaret Mitchell House's fault. I haven't seen an ad for one person I'd want to hear talk. So I'm putting this in the There's Still Time But It's Not My Fault category.

5. The original creator of this list idea said to read a book waaay outside your usual genre preference/s. I'll pretty much read anything, but you know what I never read? Erotica. So I'm going to read a book of Erotica. Just to say I've read one. Nope! But there's still time. I did try to read some erotica on the Internet. Internet erotica is crap, lowest common denominator crap. I would like to be a bit classier with my smut, I guess? I'm working on it. I think, right now, my plan is to write a short story or two and put them on amazon.com even though I think amazon.com is kind of diabolical. You have to start somewhere. With your classy smut.

6. I'm also going to watch one Horror movie. I'm not into Horror movies, but I'm going to see one just to say I did it. I hope I don't need Xanax after. Going to count Crimson Peak as my horror movie this week, and check this one off as DONE!

7. I'm going to write 1 short story and submit it somewhere legit. Nope! But there's still time. (Does self-submitting to amazon.com and wattpad.com count? If so, DONE!) 

8. I'm going to take a weekend away for myself, and do nothing but write. Nope. But there's still time! (If I can find the money.)

9. I'm going to start a writer website. Nope. This may go into the FAILED category. Websites cost money.

10. With a logo. See #9.

11. On May 2, 2015, I'm going to shop at one (or five) local, independent bookstores. Apparently, this is now a thing: National Bookstore Day. FAIL. I don't even remember May 2, 2015 getting here. Was there a May 2, 2015? I'm sure I was distracted and/or in tears, mourning my life.

12. I'm going to start trying to interacting with more bloggers--writers and non-writers. I think I did this. I think. Mostly? Somewhat. 

13. And I'm going to start trying to guest blog and host guest bloggers here. (Wanna write with me??) Nope. Maybe in 2016.

14. I'm going to interview at least one writer (famous or not) and put it up here for all the world (aka: my mom) to read. Nope. Maybe in 2016.

15. I will look into becoming a Huffington Post occasional blogger. Because why not? Nope. Maybe in 2016. (Really, I think my issue with this is that I could send them some of the entries from this blog, but this blog has devolved into little more than a whole bunch of whiny, theatrical navel-gazing. And so I feel like I need to either start a DIFFERENT blog, one in which really just focuses on one kind of topic and stays there...and ha, we all know how that'll go...or re-focus this blog, send HuffPo something then cross my fingers and pray like crazy anyone who clicks over here doesn't start snooping around to see what else I've been writing about.)

16. I will join some type of writers' association. HA! I don't have time to go mingle at writer's association meetings. I must have been on crack when I added this to the list.

17. I'm going to enter one (or more) piece/s of writing into a contest. Maybe in 2016.

18. I'm going to return public library books ON TIME (which means M and I will be scheduling regular library visits, which means I'll have to prioritize, which means...well, just don't hold your breath on #18, is what I'm saying.) DING DING DING!!! I did this! I have totally returned aaaallll of my public library books on time. But then again, I sort of didn't do this, because one reason I returned all the library books on time was because Miss M and I didn't really go to the public library this summer, so there were no library books to return.

19. I'm going to interact more with more published, established writers (famous and not so famous) on Twitter. Sorta kinda, yes. I made some new writer friends, so I'm counting it as a success.

20. This summer, I'm going to commit to a minimum of 500 words of writing per day. June-July. Every day. sigh. No, Internet. This was a FAIL. And it's the worst fail of all on this list. I had one job. ONE JOB. But I let extraneous bullshit derail me. Like ALL THE TIME. Crap.

21. I'm going to go on a writer's retreat. You know where I'd really like to go? THISplace--that place looks lusciously delicious. But it it doesn't work out, I'm cool just creating my own retreat in a mountain cabin somewhere. (Wanna come hang out with me at a cabin in the Blue Ridge Mountains? We can be solitary creatives during the day, writing and taking quiet walks and contemplating Story. And then congregate in the kitchen/living room each evening to have wild hot tub parties with grilled gourmet dinners and wine and beer. But you'll have to do all the grilling because I burn stuff.) No. I did not do this. This will be a 2016 goal. Because money.

22. I'm going to find a website that's content driven and apply to write for them (I know, I KNOW! I just wrote about what a snore bore content driven stuff is...but it's part of my building my published works scheme and there seems to be no way around it). Fail. But because I've changed my mind about this. I don't want to write content driven crap for advertisers and businesses on the Internet. Saying NO to The Man on this one.

23. I'm going to find an online writing community to join. Do they have these? I'm going to change my mind on this. If I can barely find time to write 500 words per day, I don't have time to hang out online talking about writing and not actually writing with other people who are talking about writing and not actually writing. 

24. And an offline community. See #16 and #23.

25. You know what I didn't do last year that I said I would? Last Spring, Jason Isaacs (Hello to Jason Isaacs!) tweeted about an organization called the Afghan Women's Writing Project (awwproject.org) that promotes rights of women to tell their stories. I meant to host a Living Room Fundraiser, but Life blew up and didn't do it. Going to rectify it. (Wanna come and hang out in my living room and celebrate freedom and literacy through storytelling?) Nope. But there's still time! AND! The AWW Project follows me on Twitter now. I really love them and what they do. Thank you, Jason Isaacs, for introducing me to their existence.

26. I'm going to randomly leave some books I loved reading in various locations, like coffee shops. Just to share my book love. Nope, because I totally forgot I said I'd do this. There's still time! 

27. I'm going to promote the crap out of other storytellers, in as many ways as I can. I think I successfully did this, when I wrote and wrote and wrote and researched and researched and researched the TV show DIG. If that's not promotion, I don't know what is. And I still do it on Twitter, whenever I find a storyteller I think really rocks it.

28. I'm going to take Miss M on a literary pilgrimage. I'm not sure where, but hopefully there will also be a beach involved. Money. Money is always going to be an issue with this. I may just have to take her to The Margaret Mitchell House and call it a day.

29. Apparently, Twitter has pitch fests. They're online pitch conferences where writers try to get people to buy their ideas so they can write them. I'm going to participate in one. If I can figure out how to do it, and when they take place. Nope. Because I have no idea (A) how to do it, (B) where these take place, or (C) any ideas.

30. I'm also going to participate in artsy-oriented twitups, which are like meetups but on Twitter. Nope. Because I have no idea when/where these twitups take place. But there's still time!

31. I'm going to travel somewhere outside the U.S.A. I've just decided to do it. And it may not be until 2016 when I actually board a plane, but I'm going to do it. Just ripping off the band-aid. Going abroad. (And NO, Mom, I will NOT actively avoid the Middle East. I don't think I'm going there, but if I do, I won't tell you til the plane lands.) Again, with the money thing. (At this point, I'm starting to see a pattern - are you? this song is what's going through my brain. Hope it sticks in your brain now, too. You're welcome!)

32. I'm going to think of my writing as a business--it's been suggested I set up a bank account and pay myself for writing, and use it to save any money I earn from writing. I wish you could see how hard I'm laughing at me right now: clearly my 2015 theme was: Champagne Goals, Beer Budget.

33. I'm going to create a vision board/s for a story/many stories I want to write. I love vision boards. Why don't I do these all the time, for everything? Putting this in the There's Still Time! category.

34. I'm going to see at least 5 plays. In real theatres. With actors and stages and...and...everything. And if I can finagle it? I'm going to go all groupie and see if I can get backstage. Tell them I'm with the band. (Actors can have groupies, right?) (Really, I just want the actors to teach me how to project my voice so I can scare kids.) Nope. There's still time, but not for 5 of these. Can I revise it to just one? Maybe 1 play in a theatre, before December 31. A cheap play. Or on a date with a rich man who pays for everything. Since it's a rich man's world. 
Edit: my sister-in-law just reminded me I saw a high school production of The Wizard of Oz earlier this year. But of course! Okay, I'm counting that as 1 live theatre play. Now I'll try to see 1 more live theatre production.

35. A lovely writer who taught me in two writing classes has a writing business now called Under Over On. I'm not sure I can afford the actual classes, but she often hosts Saturday writing sessions for creatives--you meet in a location that's inspiring in some way and you...just...WRITE. Nope. And this is a time issue, in that I've had Miss M on all the weekends. (How did THAT happen? Weekends are prime time...we're going to adjust that schedule.)

36. I'm going to take Miss M on a MARTA ride. Because character fodder. And it'll get her out of the house. I can do this! I totally forgot I said I was going to do this, and this is a super easy and cheap goal I can totally do before December 31 gets here. There's still time!

37. Planning to take a wine tasting class. Or an acting class. Or both. (Do you think they have acting classes in which you drink wine while you study? I'd like that.) Well, I've done a lot of wine tasting myself. And had a lot of dramatics. Just nothing formal, in a classroom. Will stick this in the Revisit in 2016 category.

38. I'm planning to find an online class to take--I'm not sure of what, but they sound much easier than having to go out into the elements. I'd have needed to find a FREE online class. Most people want like $350 per class to distribute information I bet I could locate online myself. And that makes me smell suspicious charlatan.

39. Though I'll miss the camaraderie of sipping wine and talking shop with other storytellers--so now I'm thinking meetup.com...I'll just start my own talk shop/sip wine meetup. I have a meetup.com account. The problem with this is (A) time - coordinating when I will and won't have Miss M, and (B) finding a group that seems like it'll fit me. I may have to start my own, but meetup.com wants money. Money, money, money...it's a rich man's world.

40. I'm going to write a poem or short story and read it out loud somewhere. It may end up being just on YouTube. But it'll be out loud. For an audience. I did this! Does reading a Mary Oliver poem count? I will write a poem and read it out loud on YouTube. Or read the one decent poem I've written. Or the poem about my brother I wrote decades ago, which will embarrass him (win win!). I can totally do that, before Halloween even gets here.

40 goals.

Y'all know I like lists. I don't make lists very often but when I do, I am always more on track. Which is why I'm going to encourage you to participate in this list-making scheme with me, for 2015.

I read on Huffingtonpost.com recently about a writer who set 52 goals for herself in all things artsy and literacy for 2015. I hearted it, I hearted it a lot. You can read her ideas by clicking HERE. 

You have to come up with 52 things you want to do in 52 weeks. However, I am late to the game (per usual), and now we only have about 45 weeks left in this year. So I tried to come up with a stunning list of 45 things I want to have a go at in the next 45 weeks. But then I couldn't come up with 45. So I stopped at 40. Welcome to Amy. 

Oh, and I won't lie: I ripped off many from the original writer's ideas. Just flat out ripped them off. Didn't even change the wording, really. Total plagiarism. I'll accept my flogging with aplomb.

THE LIST

1. See (in a theater) 5 movies that do not involve cartoons, singing animals, or princesses of any kind.

2. Write 1 book review, and try to take it seriously.

3. Write 1 movie review, and try to take it seriously.

4. Go back to the Margaret Mitchell House at least one time to hear a visiting author read/speak about whatever work s/he is hocking. (You do know that book tours are like press junkets for literary types?) (I used to go to the Margaret Mitchell House all the time, but then I had a kid. Margaret's house is no place for busy little kids.)

5. The original creator of this list idea said to read a book waaay outside your usual genre preference/s. I'll pretty much read anything, but you know what I never read? Erotica. So I'm going to read a book of Erotica. Just to say I've read one.

6. I'm also going to watch one Horror movie. I'm not into Horror movies, but I'm going to see one just to say I did it. I hope I don't need Xanax after.

7. I'm going to write 1 short story and submit it somewhere legit.

8. I'm going to take a weekend away for myself, and do nothing but write.

9. I'm going to start a writer website.

10. With a logo.

11. On May 2, 2015, I'm going to shop at one (or five) local, independent bookstores. Apparently, this is now a thing: National Bookstore Day.

12. I'm going to start trying to interacting with more bloggers--writers and non-writers.

13. And I'm going to start trying to guest blog and host guest bloggers here. (Wanna write with me??)

14. I'm going to interview at least one writer (famous or not) and put it up here for all the world (aka: my mom) to read.

15. I will look into becoming a Huffington Post occasional blogger. Because why not?

16. I will join some type of writers' association.

17. I'm going to enter one (or more) piece/s of writing into a contest.

18. I'm going to return public library books ON TIME (which means M and I will be scheduling regular library visits, which means I'll have to prioritize, which means...well, just don't hold your breath on #18, is what I'm saying.)

19. I'm going to interact more with more published, established writers (famous and not so famous) on Twitter.

20. This summer, I'm going to commit to a minimum of 500 words of writing per day. June-July. Every day.

21. I'm going to go on a writer's retreat. You know where I'd really like to go? THIS place--that place looks lusciously delicious. But it it doesn't work out, I'm cool just creating my own retreat in a mountain cabin somewhere. (Wanna come hang out with me at a cabin in the Blue Ridge Mountains? We can be solitary creatives during the day, writing and taking quiet walks and contemplating Story. And then congregate in the kitchen/living room each evening to have wild hot tub parties with grilled gourmet dinners and wine and beer. But you'll have to do all the grilling because I burn stuff.)

22. I'm going to find a website that's content driven and apply to write for them (I know, I KNOW! I just wrote about what a snore bore content driven stuff is...but it's part of my building my published works scheme and there seems to be no way around it).

23. I'm going to find an online writing community to join.

24. And an offline community.

25. You know what I didn't do last year that I said I would? Last Spring, Jason Isaacs (Hello to Jason Isaacs!) tweeted about an organization called the Afghan Women's Writing Project (awwproject.org) that promotes rights of women to tell their stories. I meant to host a Living Room Fundraiser, but Life blew up and didn't do it. Going to rectify it. (Wanna come and hang out in my living room and celebrate freedom and literacy through storytelling?)

26. I'm going to randomly leave some books I loved reading in various locations, like coffee shops. Just to share my book love.

27. I'm going to promote the crap out of other storytellers, in as many ways as I can.

28. I'm going to take Miss M on a literary pilgrimage. I'm not sure where, but hopefully there will also be a beach involved.

29. Apparently, Twitter has pitch fests. They're online pitch conferences where writers try to get people to buy their ideas so they can write them. I'm going to participate in one. If I can figure out how to do it, and when they take place.

30. I'm also going to participate in artsy-oriented twitups, which are like meetups but on Twitter.

31. I'm going to travel somewhere outside the U.S.A. I've just decided to do it. And it may not be until 2016 when I actually board a plane, but I'm going to do it. Just ripping off the band-aid. Going abroad. (And NO, Mom, I will NOT actively avoid the Middle East. I don't think I'm going there, but if I do, I won't tell you til the plane lands.)

32. I'm going to think of my writing as a business--it's been suggested I set up a bank account and pay myself for writing, and use it to save any money I earn from writing.

33. I'm going to create a vision board/s for a story/many stories I want to write.

34. I'm going to see at least 5 plays. In real theatres. With actors and stages and...and...everything. And if I can finagle it? I'm going to go all groupie and see if I can get backstage. Tell them I'm with the band. (Actors can have groupies, right?) (Really, I just want the actors to teach me how to project my voice so I can scare kids.)

35. A lovely writer who taught me in two writing classes has a writing business now called Under Over On. I'm not sure I can afford the actual classes, but she often hosts Saturday writing sessions for creatives--you meet in a location that's inspiring in some way and you...just...WRITE.

36. I'm going to take Miss M on a MARTA ride. Because character fodder. And it'll get her out of the house.

37. Planning to take a wine tasting class. Or an acting class. Or both. (Do you think they have acting classes in which you drink wine while you study? I'd like that.)

38. I'm planning to find an online class to take--I'm not sure of what, but they sound much easier than having to go out into the elements.

39. Though I'll miss the camaraderie of sipping wine and talking shop with other storytellers--so now I'm thinking meetup.com...I'll just start my own talk shop/sip wine meetup.

40. I'm going to write a poem or short story and read it out loud somewhere. It may end up being just on YouTube. But it'll be out loud. For an audience.

What'll be on your list? Get cracking!

good and great.

My body has been waging war with a cold virus which has made my brain fuzzier than usual, which has zapped all my creativity sparks. Which is why there has been silence here. 

Earlier today, I saw my writer hero Liz Gilbert, via Rob Bell, post something to Facebook about not giving up the great for the good. Meaning: every day we have to do good things--pay our bills, grocery shop, menu plan, do our laundry, return emails, figure out something to do at 9 AM with a bunch of squirrely kids on Monday, obsessively check Twitter to see if anyone new has followed me and figure out if I need to follow them back, get on Pinterest and pin all the wine things. (Those are my good things.) 

But there are also GREAT things you could be doing with your time. The good things are good; they're important. They keep us sane and together and out of foreclosure. But the GREAT things are what feed your soul, and only you know what your Great Things are. These are the things that make you sing, that make you wake up and go: Hurrah! I get to do (insert your Great Thing here) today!!!" These are the things that make Life rock. 

Here are Great Things I did today:

*Slept in late, snuggled up with my sweet girl.

*Had time to enjoy my first cup of coffee, at my breakfast table while watching squirrels run around my backyard (in the summer, I sit on the back porch and do this).

*Hung out with Miss M (today we drew and colored and grocery shopped, and I took pictures of the naked Barbie she added to her Nativity...I'm certain Jesus would approve, but maybe not his mom)

*I cooked my first risotto (it was too glumpy, but tasted fine...I am not a talented cook, and I lack a tremendous amount of patience so often my creations are barely edible. But I find the act itself to be therapeutic and so I'm sorry if you end up with Salmonella; at least I feel so much better.)

*Had three glasses of cheap Riesling, and didn't even care.

*Found some new jazz music--Kelly Clarkson sings jazz! Who knew?! (Not me--obviously, I don't pay attention to music enough.)

*I wrote. Any day I can find time to write is a day worth living, if you ask me. I didn't work on any stories today, but I am writing this. And I feel so much better now.

*I read something really good. (It was an article shared by my favorite actor (hello and thank you, Jason Isaacs!) on Twitter, and was written by my (new) favorite filmmaker Saar Klein. I love it when I find really lovely gems like THIS, written by someone who is obviously really lovely himself. And funny. And thoughtful. With good advice you can apply to pretty much any profession--be courageous enough to let go of some of your control and see what magic happens to the work. I can think of a few past bosses I wish had that wisdom.) 

So that's it for me. That's all I got for this weekend--I have five days to make it through til Winter Break starts, For the next five days, I'll be doing this:

In the South, we also use the phrase: Herding cats. Same thing
except wiggly.

cinema ROI: a vacation SOS.

Sorry if you've gotten used to frequent posts from me this past week--that ends tomorrow (I'll be back to weekend posts...assuming I find something to write about here). I'll be back at work tomorrow; since mid-October, returning to work after a long break is about 1,000 times less upsetting that it has been for the last few years. But still hard and sad to do...mostly, I think, because of all that I meant to accomplish that I did not actually accomplish while off for an entire week. I think because for the first half of any break, I spend a lot of time decompressing from the stress of classroom teaching in a Title 1 school, but also because it's me. It's just me. And I've been analyzing for a few years now this inability I have to address that which needs addressing. Currently, I'm at the Screw It point. Whatever it is will eventually get done when it gets done; pressure tends to make my inner donkey-child get stubborn and refuse to move. 

All that to say: this has been a long week off. For someone who's had a whole week of vacation, I am clinically exhausted. With tomorrow looming ahead of me, I feel for sure now I've picked the wrong profession, and I would like to time travel back to that 20 year old college girl I was, poised with a pen to check off "Education" as her life vocation, and I would like to shake her. I would like to shake her hard. 

Or rather, I picked the wrong profession to be in AND also have my own child. Some teachers appear to do this with great ease: have their own child/ren and seamlessly manage 25-30 other people's all day long. I am finding this challenging. I can do other people's children or I can do my own child. But to do other people's children and then have to go do my own child means I never get a break from children...jesus god, it's exhausting. Because children are exhausting. I'm sorry if you disagree (and I suspect that, if you do disagree you either don't have children or you do but you don't do most of the care taking of said children). Children are demanding and loud and they make a lot of messes and they don't care, and mine will say that right to your face: "I don't care." And then you have to get into these arguments with them about why they'd better care. And mine likes to give me a lot of back talk. And when I try to discipline her, I am co-parenting with someone who tells me I'm too mean about it. And this week I found myself so tired at one point, I just sat and laughed and laughed about all the bizarre things that come out of an adult's mouth when with a loud, demanding child for an extended length of time. Things like: "put some pants on, for god's sake, nobody likes to look at another person's hooha all day long" and "no ma'm you are NOT wearing shorts and flip flops because it's friggin' 25 degrees outside" and "yes you WILL wear underwear with that flippy dress" and "yes I do too wear underwear" (I actually wasn't, but it would have lost me that argument) and "all the other people in Georgia are wearing pants today, sorry if you disagree with them" and "if you break your head open, don't come cry to me--you'll just have proved my point." 

Horrible things, horrible things to say out loud to another human being. Children make adults say horrible and bizarre things, because children are exhausting and messy and they don't care. And for me, there's no where to go, no where to turn. Except for very large bottles of Pinot Noir and sometimes just straight up bottles of vodka disguised as chocolate martinis. And what I would really really like to do right now is have a long weekend at a spa resort with nobody else to be responsible for except for myself. And I would wear underwear AND pants. (Maybe not the whole time and never while by myself.) And I would take myself to the movies and out to eat and I would get lost in a book and while writing a book and nobody would interrupt me to ask weird questions like "Did you know Elsa can make your lips turn blue? Do I look like Elsa with these blue lips?" and I would not then have to have a fight about using too much blue lip gloss and where the hell did you get that stuff anyway? I would like that right now. I would like a true vacation, a relaxing and restorative vacation. 

(I'm sorry if I sound like a bad mother right now; if it helps, please know: I feel like a bad mother right now. But I'm also being very, very bluntly open and honest with you because I think a lot of women often feel like I do. If this is you, you are not alone. You are not alone. Let's meet for coffee and just sit together in adult communal silence. Or get a couples massage together and not speak. Or, fuck it--let's go to a silent retreat somewhere and sleep a lot.)

Today I had a bunch of things to do, but my child was exhausting me so I said: screw this, we need to get out of this house. And we did--we went to see Big Hero 6. 

Which brings me to the topic of this post: Can we talk about me going to the cinema for a bit? There are a buttload of movies out right now I'd like to see--Interstellar (I'm actually desperate to see this movie), Fury, The Theory of Everything, St. Vincent, Gone Girl, Birdman, Beyond the Lights...there are more, but those are the ones I can pull out of my brain immediately. But these are not movies I can see with a 6 year old, or movies a 6 year old even wants to see. And I am simply unwilling to be one of Those People--you know the kind: the people who want to see Freddie Krueger Part 25 so bad but are too cheap to get a sitter so they bring the kid...and end up mentally scarring their child and ruining fellow movie theater patrons' experience (who dropped $100 or more on the movie AND probably paid for their own babysitters on top of it PLUS dinner). This is nothing but a maw of selfishness, and I think those people should be flogged. I am all for the bringing back of flogging when it comes to rude cinema patrons. So because I'm not willing to be that rude or deal with future therapy bills, what happens is that because I enjoy the act of going to a theater to see a movie, I end up seeing mostly kids movies. Which I don't necessarily have a problem with; many children's movies are lovely experiences and thoroughly rewarding. I mean, my god, today I was in tears TWICE during Big Hero 6 and I walked out thinking: that was an okay, cute movie with a nice message and how nice that it promoted STEM education. Everybody needs a Baymax.

Yet. I'm dying of cinematic thirst over here, you guys. I'd kill to see a grown up movie--alone or with other grown ups. I'm dying to go see a grown up movie, go out to dinner afterwards and talk about it, and just basically have human interaction with someone or someones who don't whine when I refuse to buy candy AND popcorn at the concession stand. Is it too much to ask?

I have a bucket list--I think I've written about that here before. One of the things on my bucket list is to go see a movie with a professional. I come out of movies all the time and go: that was awesome! and then I read a bunch of critical reviews that go: that totally sucked! Or I walk out and go: I don't get it? and then I read a bunch of critical reviews that go: that movie rocks! (On a positive note, usually when I walk out of a movie going: that movie totally sucked, all the professionals tend to agree with me: yes, Amy, it did suck. This lets me know I have some semblance of filmatic taste.) 

So I would like to see some movies with a professional who can tell me why something works or why something doesn't and how in the world they know that. Is it all just subjective opinion? Or is there a training program of sorts one can go through? I don't know.

What I do know is a 6 year old simply isn't someone who can thoroughly discuss a movie to any extent. This was our conversation on the way out of the theater today:

ME: 

What did you think about Big Hero 6?

HER: 

(shrugs shoulders)

ME: 

No, I mean, did you like it? I liked it. Did you?

HER: 

Yeah.

ME: 

Well, I mean, what was your favorite part? 

HER: 

(shrugs shoulders)

ME: 

My favorite part was when they....(I won't disclose what happened here, in case you haven't seen the movie yet, but it was at the end)

HER: 

I liked the fist bump. 

(does an air fist bump and makes the fist bump sound that Baymax makes in the movie)

ME: 

Who was your favorite character?

HER: 

(sighs, clearly done with this conversation) 

Can we get a hot chocolate at Starbucks? Can we stop at Target so I can find stuff for my Christmas wish list?

And then later I found out she wasn't even wearing underpants like I'd told her to. We agreed there would be underpants or no movie today. So. You see? That's why I need a professional grown up to see movies with, so I can have a stimulating conversation about what was just seen, and I can hang out with someone who dresses responsibly. So far, I just shell out muchos dolares to see these things, and then get no return on investment whatsoever. I'd like some cinema ROI. And adult conversation.

Instead, I'll be surrounded by children tomorrow--1200 total, but 25 to myself all day long. And we will be having conversations like that. And so on my Christmas Wish List this year is a movie date with a professional movie goer, someone who I can see Interstellar with who can explain to me what was so amazing or sucky or weird or wonderful about it, and I can agree with them or argue with them or wonder about humanity out loud with them. 

We can fist bump over hot chocolate at Starbucks in Target. Anything. Just. Please save me. SOS.

I would like to be here...alone...right now.

But I'd take this, too. Beggars don't get to be choosers.

bucket list gifts.

I have 15 days left to my summer vacation, then back to the bear pit. I hate that I even feel the need to call it that, yet that is what teaching increasingly feels like. On the one hand, I like that they are practically giving us call sheets to adhere to and scripts to read these days--this fuels my active imagination, as I'd like to pretend I'm a low budget, grade B horror movie actress day in and day out. On the other other hand--where's the heart? Where's the heart. (Some days August through May, mine is just broken.)

But I didn't come here to write about education. I came here to write about bucket lists. 

I have a bucket list--a To Be, To See, To Do list. I can't share it all with you here (it's very long), but over the years I've checked off a few things. Live in the Sonoran Desert? Check. Swimming with dolphins? Check. Running the Peachtree Road Race? Check (twice). Dancing naked in a summer rainstorm? Half-check (I had clothes on; can't win them all).

Here's a sample list of things I've not been able to check off yet:

*Travel somewhere ancient and mysterious

*Get in my car, pick a direction, and drive until I run out of gas, and wherever that is stay there for a weekend

*Hang out on a movie/television show set for a day and just...observe (I like to observe)

*Visit The Louvre

*See a play at The King's Theatre in London (it could be any London theater, really...I just like how imperially important "The King's Theatre" sounds and looks). (But I also like that London has an Old Vic Theatre and a Young Vic Theatre...I wonder what the difference is?) (jotting that down on my Bucket List right...now...find out what the difference between Old Vic and Young Vic theatres is.)

*See a Broadway show in New York City (how have I been to NYC three times and never seen a show on Broadway??) (possibly for the same reasons I lived in Arizona for 3 years and never once saw the Grand Canyon)

*See the Grand Canyon

I have many others on my list. What I don't have a lot of is "To Be" items. Lots of To Do's and To See's but not too many To Be's. I don't know why this is; possibly because I am mostly content with who I currently am? I am. I am content with who I currently am--and let me tell you: that was a bumpy, twisted, mountainous, hellish road to walk down to get to this place. I still have to dodge pot holes every now and then. And I've had to practically mental block out my entire 20's...if I didn't, I'm certain I'd need to take PTSD meds.

One thing I once had on my list was: "Develop a close, inner personal circle of trusted people." Over the years, I've been able to check that off. I often kick myself for choosing to leave support teaching and go back into high-stress, crazy classroom teaching...and yet, I do believe the Universe lands us exactly where we're meant to be at that very moment in time, even when that place looks insane and makes us say to ourselves: "What were you THINKING, choosing this?? Were you on CRACK??" Because, typically in these situations, the Universe also makes sure to surround us with people who will help us grow into exactly who we're meant to ultimately become. No one crosses your path by accident. Ever. Even the ones who make us say to ourselves: "What is that person's PROBLEM?? Surely they're a minion of Satan." And that's what going back into the classroom has done for me: hugely widened my circle of people who are the opposite of Satan's minions. (It's also widened my circle of people who ARE Satan's minions, but that's another post for another day.)

I have slowly come to realize what a gift other humans are. All humans are gifts; even the bad ones. (This makes me think of my poet hero Mary Oliver's brief poem "The Uses of Sorrow": Someone I loved once gave me/ a box full of darkness./ It took me years to understand/ that this, too, was a gift.) So sometimes the particularly bad people are gifts, because they teach us who we DON'T want to be and how NOT to behave. And it's a gift to have that knowledge, let me tell you.

But when you encounter angels disguised as friends, the GOOD ones, then isn't Life just so much sweeter? To know there are people out there who'd follow you off a cliff, who'd walk through fire to help you? And that this is a circular thing, because you would do the very same for them. Some days I am consumed with rapturous joy about this; I feel quite confident in saying nobody else in the Animal Kingdom does this for others they haven't given birth to...well, maybe dolphins do it for other dolphins. And whales. And elephants. But certainly not sharks or hyenas, though.

Wait--do you have time for a quick parable? 

Once upon a time (Wednesday to be exact), I was driving home from a teacher technology course and I accidentally hit a curb and ripped up my passenger side front tire. I pulled into a small driveway leading to nowhere so I wouldn't cause traffic jams or get hit, and called for help. While I was waiting, I vented about my situation on Facebook (to feed others' Schadenfreude) and a man came and stood outside my window, clapping his hands to get my attention. I rolled down my window, thinking he wanted to help me, because clearly I was in distress--my warning blinkers were on. Nope. He just wanted to yell at me for being on his private property. When I let him know I was in distress and had a flat tire, he demanded to know if I'd called someone. Finding out I had, he walked away. Jerk. If I'd sat there another 30 minutes, I'd have been desperate enough to have to pee outside...and I'd have done so all over his stupid, private property bushes. On the flip side, ten minutes after Grumpy Man walked away, my friend C was pulling up to check on me after reading about my situation on Facebook. She stayed with me until the emergency roadside help came. 

Light and dark, evil and good. They both teach us, but I find the light and the good far more fun and pleasant to hang out with, don't you? Darkness and evil only get you so far, and nobody brings you flowers as you lay dying at the end. I hear.

In a few minutes, I'm getting ready to spend a whole day with people who are of the Light, and are very very good. Don't you feel so much better after being around people who laugh and hug you, who inspire you to do things you've always dreamed about doing but don't always believe you have the wherewithall to accomplish...but they show you how you do have it in you? 

I love inviting people like that into my inner circle. I think it's nice to be someone who helps people cross things off their bucket lists...and to surround myself with human beings who help me cross things off mine. 

Plus, I know any one of the people I'm spending my day with today would be totally willing to drive back to that Grumpy Man's house, pull down their pants, and take one collective piss on his private property front yard. And listen to me: you don't find those kinds of friends just anywhere. Put "Have friends who'd pee all over mean people's lawns with me" on your bucket list. Right now.