talent agency of amazing amazements.

I know a buttload of talented, gifted people. A BUTTLOAD. (I keep hoping some of their gifts will rub off on me and I shall fly! Fly to the top of the highest mountain!)

So I'm going to promote them, because (a) I can since this is my blog and I get to do whatever I want and (b) this is my blog and I get to do whatever I want on it.

Disclaimer: these products are fully, wholy, absolutely being endorsed by me, and if I could make you, I would force you to buy their products and you would THANK me for it. I swear on all that is holy and St. Mary's left buttock, you would thank me. Because your life would be happier and you would be at peace.

Endorsement #1.  Patresa Hartman is a thoughtful, introspective, wise, and funny wordsmith/songwriter. I met Patresa on a blog years and years ago when I was reaching out to other writers and creative/expressives, and I latched onto her like a burr from a bush full of brambles. Fortunately for me, she has never pulled me off and we are friends to this day. I heart her, a lot.

Several years ago, Patresa and her friend Holly gathered me and about 7 other creative/expressive women (and 1 man) together and challenged us to a group project called COFFEE (it was an acronym for something real hipster--I can't remember what though. Something about chickens or champions). We each picked something that scared the bejeesus out of us or something that was really challenging to us--we tackled those things, wrestled around in the mud with them, and kicked their asses until we were standing tall and proud, flexing our muscles like Rosie the Riveter(s).

Someone's project was writing a novel...another was going to tackle an entire Be More Creative program...another was going to jump out of a plane or something. My project was Cooking More (seriously, 2010 Amy?). Today, my project would be Pitch a Television Show to a Real TV Producer...or Take an Acting Class and Audition for a Real Play...or Write Your Effing Novel Already, Amy. But 2010 Amy was a big, ridiculous idiot, so I wrote about shopping at Whole Foods and filmed myself "cooking." Like I'm Jamie Oliver's hick wannabe cousin.

Patresa's project was to sing in front of a live audience. Patresa can SING, y'all! She always has, but she was scared shitless to do it in front of strangers. So she wrote about her fears on the COFFEE blog, filmed a bunch of YouTube videos of her sharing her beautiful song creations, and then, finally, one night deep in the darkest of winter ('cause that's when the magic happens), she went to a coffeehouse, stretched out her wings...and she flew. 

Inspiring. She's simply inspiring. (This is the part where she is cringing in embarrassment at her computer and rolling her eyes and going: Dude, you're really overselling this.) (And this is the part where I am shushing her, and telling her to stop that, stop it right now!) I am determined for Patresa to be a household name.

So here's what she has done since embarking on that journey four years ago: she's written a bunch of gorgeous, heart-filled songs. Songs that, when I heard them as I drove to work one day, kind of made me teary-eyed. I said out loud to nobody in the car except maybe to her heart miles away, "Patresa! Oh my god! This is YOU! This is YOU, Patresa!" Because I remember what a big chicken she was, and NOW look at her. Just LOOK at her!

I love Patresa's voice, I love her words, I love her soothing melodies and rhythms. Her music is beautiful, reflections of her soul. And I promise I am not just saying this to get you to buy her product (the stuff I'm about to write is to get you to buy her product). Her songs remind me of Ani Difranco and Alanis Morrisette (but after she got over being angry about being dumped and discovered Buddha). With a tad bit of Ingrid Michaelson. Maybe some Suzanne Vega here and there. And then big chunks of her own sound that nobody else has done.

Here's the really creative part: she wrote a book (with only 8 cuss words in it) to go with the CD. And the consumer conscious, gorgeous part about that is if you'd really rather just read words, you can skip the CD (although you'd be insane to do that) or if you'd really rather just listen to her music, you can skip the book (although you'd be insane to do that). The book is a collection of essays to go with the songs, and the essays will have you connecting so strongly to Patresa's creative musings, you will wonder--as I often do--if she's stealing your inner thoughts somehow. She writes from the heart, and is an innate storyteller/connector of people.

So here are some links to Patresa's  Reverb nation and Facebook pages. But if you just want to cut to the chase and go get you some amazing amazingness, go HERE: patresahartman.com.

Endorsement #2. I met my friend Angie several years ago when we worked together. We got very close due to extenuating and stressful circumstances, and then? One day? Angie stopped me in the hall and went, "Hey. I have a project I need your help with." And proceeded to let me know she had an idea for a television show, but she needed someone who could write...and would I be willing to consider writing the script for it? At least the pilot?

I had never written a script before, but I have written a lot of other stuff, and so I thought: writing is writing is writing is writing, right? How hard can it be? I high fived her, and said: "Let's get her done!" And then proceeded to slowly discover: writing is NOT writing is NOT writing is NOT writing. Script writing is much different than short story writing...but I'm working on it. I'm totally trainable! (Unless it's cooking...that's going to be a lifelong in-training project, I discovered during the COFFEE project.)

At any rate, that was just information to tell you why and how Angie became such a dear friend. She has a sweet, creative, imaginative little girl a really great husband, and she has a bunch of chickens (plus 1 mean old rooster), goats, a donkey, and an awesome saltwater swimming pool that Miss M and I are completely going to commandeer all next summer. 

The coolest thing about Angie is that she's not only a creative/expressive, but she's a Scientist on top of it. Who says Science and Creativity aren't connected?! (Not Albert Einstein.) She's a talented photographer AND she's a budding fashion designer. I just discovered this the other day when she sent me a link on Facebook to her Etsy shop and offered up the exact kind of dress I'd have lived in when I was 5 or 6. (okay, fine...it would have also needed sparkles, but I'm sure Angie can do it.) So go HERE if you'd like to own some of her amazing fashion creations...hopefully you also have someone near you who can wear it. (If you're telling me you could totally wear something a 4 year old girl could wear because it's just your size since you are a size negative 12, then we can't be friends. I'm sorry, I know that's very shallow of me, but it's how I feel and so I'm sorry, no. We can't hang out.)

Endorsement #3. My sweet friend Jaime is an amazing photographer! In addition to star photographer, Jaime is one of the kindest, most thoughtful people I know. She's a consummate problem solver and vessel of positivity. When I broke my foot a year ago, Jaime showed up at my house with one of those long handled claw thingies so I could sit in my makeshift wheelchair/office chair and be able to reach stuff up high. She brought Miss M star sunglasses, because Jaime's that kind of thoughtful. Later, the claw thingie became a toy for Miss M, and she would play with it while wearing her star sunglasses. 

And on top of all that, Jaime's got an artist's eye.

Really, I don't know why she's languishing in a day job when she could be out there, traipsing the world on assignment from National Geographic. Or snapping pictures of famous people (she would be the CLASSY section of the paparazzi).

Last summer, Jaime got to go to Portugal and Spain, and I completely traveled vicariously with her through all her lovely photographs. When Hugh Jackman stars in the movie version of one of my books, I will invite Jaime to the red carpet premiere and Hugh and I will give her all the exclusive photos and make her world famous and rich. Annie Liebowitz will fume for years about it.

You can buy some of her amazeball photographs of amazing places HERE: JaimeMara Photography.

Endorsment #4. My friend Brenda is also a former coworker. If you need your kid to learn anything, she's the person to put your kid with. She's also got a supernatural ability when it comes to being organized and on target. In addition to all of that, Brenda bakes hot cross buns. No seriously, she bakes. Like a madwoman, she bakes. In fact, she has a whole business called Brenda Bakes. She can make amazing cakes! And cupcakes. And cake pops. And other sweet treats that will send you into sugar shock and put you on a diet until mid-2015 but good god it'll be worth it.

Listen: if  you need a cake? This is your cake lady. She could make you a cake of Godzilla looking pensive yet irreverent as he holds leftover bits of chewed up humans bleeding out guts and stuff. I don't know why in the world you'd even want a cake like that, but let's say you did. Brenda could make it.

So if you live in Atlanta, you should...wait, what? What did you just say? You don't live in Atlanta?! Oh. Jeez. God. Sorry. Well, that sucks so much for you. But if you DO live in Atlanta, (1) high five on choosing to move here and (2) if you need an amazing cake while you're here, you can click THIS: brendabakes.com and Brenda will totally bake you one. (If you ask for my Godzilla cake, you have to save me a piece.)

That's it. I bet I forgot someone amazing. If I did, I will be doing another round of talent agency of amazing amazement endorsements later, and I will fix this! (This is the problem with knowing a lot of talented creatives. There's so many my brain doesn't always get them all.)

In conclusion: by the end of today, I expect you to have ordered a CD/book by an amazing singer/songwriter...a gorgeous dress that hopefully your daughter/granddaughter/niece/brave nephew in touch with his mystical feminine can wear to parties...a stunning rendition of life in Spain or Portugal or Georgia/USA...and a Godzilla cake (of which you will save me the bloody guts piece and I don't want to hear a single complaint about that since I was the one who told you about this).

Got it? GO!

harry potter and HERmione's journey.

Lands, Internet. NOW the blinking Blogger emoji cats have taken on a Halloween theme. Every time I log on here, I have to click an X to get rid of them. This is completely effing with my lazy-ass 1st world snobbery of convenience. I'm sick of clicking the X. Sick of it, Blogger! And Gmail, you too! This is 21st century techno-world! I should be able to will away the emojis with just a blink of my eye. Make it happen, Google.

Let's talk writing, shall we?

First, can we talk about Harry Potter? Because over the summer, I finally read the first book in the series (one decade behind, how I like to do most everything). What a stupendously talented writer this lovely soul named J.K. Rowling is. What I loved most about her initial Potter book (Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone aka: the only one I've read) was that she can take a very simple sentence or two and pack a whole lot into it--wisdom, back story, foreshadowing, character development, tidbits of story arc, etc and so forth, and she does this on a 10-12 year old's level but in such a way a grown up reading it can go: Wow, this is masterful writing. That's a gift. That's amazing. She's amazing. I admire so deeply writers with the ability to do this, because I strive for it. I don't know if you've noticed yet or not, but conciseness is not my forte. 

Other things I love about Jo Rowling: this is a woman who thought up a story on a train ride, an inspiring story that would eventually spark mystic connections amongst people of all different ages and cultures and languages all across this hard-to-live-on planet. Then she sat in a coffee shop in Scotland and developed an intricate, finely detailed, nuanced world of infinite possibilities, all while struggling with poverty, raising a child alone, and enduring god knows how many Dark Nights of the Soul. She and her magical story were rejected multiple times but she persevered boldly forth, and at the end of this journey her rags have become riches and she is now one of Earth's most adored storyteller heroines who gives back to those still in rags because she's been there and knows. Her biography is a Hero's Journey of sorts and she's a good, writerly egg who followed her bliss, trusted open doors, and who's become an incredibly inspiring icon for people from every culture on this celestial rock in the Milky Way Galaxy, even to those who haven't (yet) been mystified and spellbound by her tales of Harry and his Hogwarts gang.

True confession: I cannot get into these books. I want to get into these books. I want to, because I see how they've affected people from all over. The writing is stunning. The movies are gorgeous. The mania surrounding it all is enthralling to behold. But I just don't...I don't feel it. (Here, I am ducking, and praying the Potterites are far calmer than the Directioners, who--should you suggest you feel even a tiny bit of disconnection to the band One Direction--will fling large chunks of steaming piles of cow dung at you while screeching obscenities as they detail how they will haunt your dreams and will also promise to murder you in front of your father as they finish up with a slew of really inappropriate Yo Mama insults.)

.......I know. I KNOW!! Potter Friends! I am Sacrilege!! I am not fit to be a human being, it is true. I own it, and I am sorry, People of Potterdom. I am so so sorry. I am not saying I won't keep trying--I will keep trying. These are important books, literary foundations for many a childhood, all around the world. I will read all of the Harry Potter books eventually and at some point in the series, something may click and I'll end up buying all the DVD movie versions too and will become completely, utterly, nerdily obsessed. I see these Potter Obsessives on Twitter now and then, and they make me feel like an outsider. And you guys! I HATE FEELING LIKE AN OUTSIDER. (I have a story about when I think this phobia developed, but it's too long for now. Remind me, and I'll tell it to you later.) 

I'm a nerd, too! I am a nerd, just like you! my soul cries out, when I see their Potter obsessings. But I don't speak their Potter language; I don't understand the connections between the characters or why. One day on Twitter a few weeks ago, Tom Felton (Draco Malfoy) tweeted to Jason Isaacs (Lucius Malfoy) something about a Maison Blanc and asked him what he was ordering and holy House of Slytherin, I thought that corner of Twitter was going to explode. I mean, people were tweeting about how they were sobbing with joy about this exchange, their whole lives had been altered.

And I was all: what's Maison Blanc?! Who cares what Draco's father's going to order? And why is Jason/Lucius telling Tom/Draco he's worried about having an aneurism and calling him an arse for this? There's a Maison Blanc/evil dad & son connection, apparently, but I don't know? So I googled "Maison Blanc" and "Harry Potter" and "The Malfoys" but all I got were weird links to French articles about someone inhumanely dressing up Bo, the White House dog as Santa Claus. (What?!) It remains a mystery to me, still. I'm sure I could Sherlock Holmes it away, but I have other projects going on right now and...I'm just, it's just. I'm sorry Tom, Jason, and all the other Potter geeks of the world: I've just got other stuff to do and the Bo as Christmas Dog links are too overwhelming to wade through.

But dagnabit! I feel so left out! Lost! So alone! You know what this feels like? This feels just like when I first swallowed my Internet shyness and left Jason Isaacs a tweet and at the end told him to get Dobby the house elf a pair of socks (because a friend told me to say that to him, promising me Jason would laugh and laugh at that) and then I found out that Dobby was freed from The Malfoys with a sock and I was all: Oh. Well, that was damn cheeky. Because I bet Jason Isaacs probably has had to wade through sock jokes about a billion times every week for the last several years. Note to self: no more Twitter advice from Potterheads. That happened because I'm out of the loop. And you guys! I hate being out of the loop! I'd like to be amongst other geeks and connect. I like to high five and geek fist bump the other nerds and know: nobody gets us like WE get us.

But. Yet. I am not connecting (for now) to Harry Potter. 

May I explain myself? Because I've figured out why I'm having--have always had--a hard time connecting to Harry Potter. I get the mania to Harry Potter; but I don't connect to him. Please don't be offended; stay with me for a minute:

Joseph Campbell's theory of the monomyth. I wrote about this right after I was at Oprah's amazeballs Life You Want weekend and heard my writing hero Liz Gilbert speak of it. So I researched it. Joseph Campbell was a mythologist, lecturer, and writer. He was fascinated by religion and spirituality. He believed in the psychic unity of mankind. You know that quote "Follow your bliss"? That was Joseph Campbell. He followed that up with the assertion that, when you do choose to follow your bliss, extraordinary doors of astounding opportunities will supernaturally open for you.

Joseph Campbell did years and years and years of research and study, and he was able to precisely pinpoint one common, universal theme amongst all human beings everywhere, regardless of language or culture or planetary location: we all tell myths. But even more important than that, we all tell one myth. We tell this myth in many different versions, in many different languages, with many different cultural elements. But the myths all have basically the same story arc with basically the same story components and because of this, Joseph Campbell decided to call this common, very human, myth The Hero's Journey. 

Note. One problem with Joseph (and why I think I have a hard time connecting to Harry Potter): He (Joseph, not Harry) only believed in the psychic unity of MANkind and his myth was always the HERO's Journey. WOMANkind belonged in the kitchen, with a baby sucking on her boobs, and so ha ha silly girls! There can be no such thing as a HEROINE's Journey. Since women are too busy cooking and birthin' babies and such. Somewhere, Rush Limbaugh is reading Joseph's Man Snob attitudes about women, and Rush Limbaugh is nodding his head so emphatically right now, in a self-medicated fog of OxyContin painkillers, and he is hallucinate-high fiving Joseph Campbell so hard, so very very hard. (O! Chauvinism! Thou dost maketh homo sapiens such ugly bedfellows!) 

Here's a brief explanation of how The Hero's Journey works: there's a hero (aka: a boy ). 

He's living a very ordinary, normal life in the village or kingdom or cave or wherever, and then one day he meets some sort of helper who gives him a Call to Adventure. He suddenly realizes: I have to go on a journey. And so he sets off. Along the way, he has more helpers like supernatural aid(s) and guardian(s) of some sort, and he has many adventures both good and bad. The hero does good deeds and foils temptations, and along the way he meets friends who are enemies and enemies who are friends. Usually, the hero is on a journey to defeat something--a troll, a dragon, a demon, a witch; or to rescue something--a princess, a chalice, someone trapped in a curse. At some point, invariably, he reaches an abyss, a dark moment in which all may be lost. Campbell called this moment The Dark Night of the Soul, the part of The Hero's Journey that, if the hero stops, he will die and the journey will end and Good will lose.

It's in this moment, in the Dark Night of the Soul, the hero realizes: I have to change. In some way big or small, in all of the stories from every single one of our expansive, extremely diverse planet's cultures and legends and languages and values, the hero realizes to go on he needs to make some kind of transformation. And when he transforms, he defeats his obstacles, overcomes all of his temptations, and he emerges better, stronger than before, and his transgressions and wrongdoings are completely absolved. Numerous doors of tremendous possibilities are opened for him, and he is given magical gifts to take home with him where he is received by his village (or kingdom or cave or wherever) with acclaim and adoration and stories are told of him for years and years and years the end. 

Harry Potter is one really good example of how to expertly weave The Hero's Journey into a story: there's a boy. He's living his life, and one day he wakes up and meets a Helper (in this case, three: Dumbledore & McGonagall & Hagrid) who gives him a Call to Adventure (come be a wizard at Hogwarts). He realizes: I have to go on a journey and sets off. Along the way, he has many adventures: supernatural aids, guardians, and adventures both good and bad. He does good deeds and foils temptations, and meets friends who are enemies (Professor Quirrell), enemies who are friends (Professor Snape). At some point, he reaches The Dark Night of the Soul and by the end of the series Harry is transformed. He changes from a scared, awkward, weak boy into a brave, adored hero, and tales are told of him forever more (and, if you follow JK Rowling like I do on Twitter, you see hugely important these tales are to many people from different countries and cultures out there...some of whom maaaaay need to get a little bit of a life when it comes to this stuff, but god bless them it seems they've found their bliss and I think that's just perfect. Power to the Potterheads).

The stories of Harry Potter are transfigurative tales of a boy's journey from small and weak to large and brave--if I were a ten year old boy, I'd be all OVER these books. But this is precisely why (I've figured out) I've had a hard time getting into Harry Potter books/movies/etc: He's a boy. He's a HEro, not a HERo. 

A self-aware thing about me I've learned to proudly embrace over the years: I am drawn to stories about girls. Specifically, I am drawn to stories that feature strong, imaginative, self-reliant girls. Whether it's fiction or non-fiction, I connect to stories about females who transform or impact the world in important ways. I have always been like this; I cannot think of a time when I was not like this. I have been, am, and always will be drawn to stories featuring strong females. As a child, I wanted to journey in Dorothy's ruby Oz shoes. I loved smart and sleuth-y Nancy Drew mysteries, and Laura Ingalls Wilder's tomboy boldness. I completely identified with Alice in Wonderland and would have followed her down many dark, adventurous rabbit holes; and I was certain, as a young girl, that Peter Pan's Wendy wasn't some trembling damsel in distress who needed constant rescuing--I sense she could lop off Hook's other hand while blindfolded. 

In fact, for my high school senior year AP English class, I had to choose two books from the same genre or with a similar theme to read and compare--I wanted to read DOCTOR ZHIVAGO and GONE WITH THE WIND because they seem to tell similar sort of stories, but was told GONE WITH THE WIND was too soap opera-y. So I read ZHIVAGO and FATHERS AND SONS. My paper was titled "Strong Women in Russian Literature," and I got an A because I know how to word-work an Emily Dickinson-like English teacher. Nerds Unite. (In spite of the fact that, essentially, I really had just been trying to weasel out of actually reading so I could watch the movie versions of the books instead. Shhhhh.) 

Listen: I love boys. I love boys a lot. And there is a very crucial literary niche that boys need--boys need books and stories and Hero's Journey tales about boys and things boys like so they can discover a love of words and storytelling. It can be so hard to get boys to fall in love with reading, for some strange reason (I actually know why, but this will turn into a 200 page essay if I tell you--Google it). How many boys are voracious readers today thanks to Harry P.? This is good. This is important. 

Yet it bothers me that I find so much of the world still so dominated by the masculine. I mean, Joanne Rowling was asked by her publishers to change her author name to J.K. instead of even just "Jo," out of fear boys would be reluctant to read a boy adventure story written by a female. (This is all kinds of fucked up, but I'm already 10,000 words in and I know you have things to do, so I'm letting it go for now.)

And, god bless this amazing writer, she conjured into life the magnificent, empowering character of Hermione. Oh, how I love Hermione in spite of not having read all the books. And oh, how I love Emma Watson, who appears to have absorbed the very essence of Hermione and become such a stunning, impressive, courageous role model for women and young girls of Planet Earth. Oh, how I wish JK Rowling would write an entire series about Hermione and her Hero's Journey. In a way, Hermione also has a Hero's Journey threaded throughout the Harry Potter tales, and because I haven't read all of the Harry Potter books, maybe there is a book in the series where Hermione's journey is predominantly featured. But I sense the series is pretty much about Harry and his journey. 

These books are magnificent. The movie versions of them are sheer magic, which is a nearly impossible feat for Hollywood/movie makers. I think Somebody Somewhere loves these stories, too. Something special is going on there, some type of...wizardry? I dare say. And I think the reason so many worldwide connect so deeply to the story of Harry, Hermione, Ron, and all the rest of the Hogwarts' gang is because this is the quintessential Hero's Journey tale, which every human from every culture has ingrained in our very beings; it seems to be our instinct, as a species, to take journeys of daring adventures and weave magical tales from them. 

I also think that stories most kids (and grown ups) tend to feel the most for are dark, with notes of extreme danger. The Hero's Journey tales and stories that pull from that theme all have that darkness, that sense of danger. At our core, we know we are essentially powerless against The Forces That Be, and I think there is nothing scarier in the world than to be a child facing The Forces That Be--those unseen and, sometimes, those that live in your house or go to school with you. 

But there are, in existence, other stories that have pulled from The Hero's Journey, and these are stories that DO feature girls taking a brave adventure with moments of peril and darkness. What about Wizard of Oz? I will posit that Wizard of Oz is a Hero's Journey of magnificent proportions: a girl wakes up one day and realizes with the aid of a helper (Glinda), I've got to go on a journey. She has adventures both good and bad. Along the way, she fights temptations, is given supernatural aids (ruby--silver in the book--slippers, a protective kiss) and guardians (Scarecrow, Lion, and Tinman) to guide her. She meets friends who are enemies (Oz), enemies who are friends (Oz) (what? I say making Oz both Great and Powerful and a lowly little humbug to be a brilliant turn of the century story twist of M. Night Shyamalan-like proportions), and has a Dark Night of the Soul moment when all is lost (the balloon leaves without her) and she has to transform (realize the power to have what she wants was always in her possession) and she goes home. And the flip side of Dorothy's tale, WICKED, is witch Elphaba's perfect Hero's Journey tale.

And what about Disney's sole feminist heroine Merida? Or Katniss Everdeen from The Hunger Games? What about the journey of Morgaine in Marion Zimmer Bradley's superb The Mists of Avalon? Or Margaret George's Mary Magdalene? May I also suggest the story of Greek goddess Athena could be considered a sort of loose version of The Heroine's Journey as well?

In other words: Joseph Campbell! You misogynist old flirt, you couldn't have been more wrong about the Hermiones of the world. Girls can take journeys, in fact girls should take journeys, and they can do it even while mankind is suckling at their breasts. And you know what? They'll do it and you'll never hear them utter a single complaint or moan about their chapped nipples along the way--I know men who act like the world's about to end when they have a tummy ache and stuffy nose. Because women are strong, and Nature inclines toward the feminine. I'm actually not making that up; Google it.

Did I have a point to this post? I think I did, and I think it was somewhere in my last paragraph: girls can take journeys, women are strong, and Harry Potter is a wonderful book series with a great, iconic female character in it written by a strong woman who (goddammit) was asked to her put her initials on the book cover instead of her full name because they were worried boys wouldn't be comfortable reading a book by a woman (seriously? WTF, publishers). And dammit, my chapped nipples want stories that take strong, iconic females on Hero's Journeys! And Mother Nature does, too.

I'm going to start one of those this weekend. (A heroine's journey tale, with a girl I'd like to know, on an adventure I'd like to have.) (I hope the guardians of my heroine open up doors painted blue for her, and that at least one of them strongly resembles Joe Manganiello without a shirt on.) (Okay. Okay. I'm sorry. I apologize for that last bit, men--that was completely and revoltingly sexist of me. Joseph Campbell is somewhere right now, flipping me the bird and telling me to get my ass back in the kitchen. But I will not. I will NOT!)

5 year itch.

This was my 2009 Facebook profile picture. Hope you like feet.

A friend of mine re-visited a sixty-five (!!) question questionnaire (?) thingie we both responded to on Facebook way back in 2009, and I loved seeing how she got to reflect on herself as she was 5 years ago vs. where she's at today. So I copycatted her (translation: ripped off her creativity) (but this is okay! Pablo Picasso said so) and I'm doing my re-visit here. 

And then I started answering some of these questions again, and goodness, Internet. Some of these questions are just so...WHY? But I answered them back in 2009, and so I answered them again, hoping to gain some inner insight into Me Then vs. Me Now. (In conclusion: I've learned that nothing's changed, really. This is both good and bad, I suppose.) At any rate, it's 65 (!!!) questions, and they're all ego-based, narcissistic-y and so if you have laundry to fold or grades to import like me, you should go do that instead. Actually, no! Wait. First scroll down to my 2014 Facebook profile picture so you can see what that cute little baby foot up there turned into, and THEN go fold your laundry and import your grades. 


1. First thing you wash in the shower?
my hair. my hair is horrible in the morning. it must be washed. every morning. first thing.

2014: I still wash my hair first. Because I like routine.

2. What color is your favorite hoodie?
it's a red st. louis cardinals hoodie and it's HUUUUUGE. it's very forgiving. and warm on cold days. and the only piece of st. louis cardinals clothing i'm allowed to touch, since i officially own it. everything else st. louis cardinals is off limits. 

2014: I don't wear hoodies anymore. (And it has nothing to do with George Zimmerman. I just don't wear them.) (But let's be honest: I do feel safer not wearing a hoodie when in Florida.) St. Louis Cardinals clothing not officially owned by me is still off-limits.

3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
absolutely. there is nothing as nice to kiss as a smooth, soft, squishy baby cheek. 

2014: I would STILL kiss this person. There is nothing as nice to kiss as a smooth, soft, squishy 5 year old cheek.

4. Do you plan outfits?
yes, while i'm in the shower thinking, "man. what am i going to wear NOW." 

2014: Whatever's clean.

5. How are you feeling RIGHT now?
sad and happy. sad because i have to get up at 6 AM tomorrow for a class about teaching little english learners to read, but happy because i'll get paid for it. sad, because C is coming home on thursday and melissa has to sleep in her crib then. but happy because her fever's gone (AND she pooped, finally!)...and C is coming home. i hope he doesn't smell like fish.

2014: Seriously, 2009, Amy? You were worried about poop and fish? Today, right now, I'm feeling stressed. Stressed, stressed, stressed. (Maybe I need to eat some fish and poop.)

6. Whats the closest thing to you thats red?
melissa's sweet mouth is pretty red. ish.

2014: This is a ridiculous question.

7. Tell me about the last dream you remember having?
i think it was about melissa being sick. clearly, i was a tad freaked out by the high temperature and all the crying.


2014: I dreamt about sharks. I dream about sharks a lot--I have a recurring dream about them. Sometimes I'm swimming with them all nice but nervously. Sometimes I'm terrified because there's a big one below me I can't see but it's there and it could eat me at any moment. You know what's nuts? The other day, M woke up and told me she had a bad dream about me: I was a shark and I wanted to eat her, so she had to swim to daddy.

My crazy recurring dream is transferring psychically to other people. GREAT. Thanks, dream sharks.


8. Did you meet anybody new today?
just some pissed off people at the Kaiser Pharmacy. they were muttering things like "why'd they change the set up??? this is HORRIBLE!" one woman said, "now! this is just pissing! me! off! sorry y'all, for my language. but this is just pissing! me! off!" 

it did take 25 minutes to get a simple prescription for loosening up poop filled. but i kept my mutterings inside my head. 

2014: Thank god, no. And thank god I don't have Kaiser Permanente insurance anymore, apparently.

Also, my 2009 self didn't know the term "crowd rage." See? Even back then, I was a total, complete crowd rager. Except now I'm out of the closet about it.

9. What are you craving right now?
i wish i could fall asleep on cue. 

2014: I still wish I could fall asleep on cue.

10. Do you floss?
no. i'm probably going to have dentures by the time i'm 50.

2014: I do. I start flossing obsessively about 24 hours before a dental check up.

11. What comes to mind when I say cabbage?
fiber. way too much fiber. also, coleslaw. 

2014:  Still coleslaw.

12. Are you emotional?
it depends on my estrogen/progesterone load that day. but typically: yes.

2014: I've embraced it now. I live and breathe my hormones.

13. Have you ever counted to 1,000?
once, when i was a 4th grader, my math teacher got mad at our whole class. our homework assignment was to write all the numbers from 0-1,000. 27 years later, i'm still highly resentful about it. also, 27 years later--as a teacher--i now know that making kids write as punishment is wrong, wrong, wrong. totally turns kids off from wanting to write anything--stories, essays, poems, you name it.

i wish i could find that 4th grade math teacher. her name was mrs. belcher. i'd tell mrs. belcher i'm pretty sure her write to 1,000 math assignment was what started my life-long math issues. teachers! stop psychologically messing up your students!

2014: I'd still like to find Mrs. Belcher. I'd let her know that NOW we make 2nd graders go up to 1,000. I suspect Mrs. Belcher is behind this.

........what kind of a name is "Belcher"? 2009 Amy, did you make that up?? 2014 Amy can't remember ever having a teacher named "Belcher."

14. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it?
i refuse to answer this question. it seems obscene.

2014: Because licking ice cream IS obscene, 2009 Amy. You weren't being completely honest when you answered this: you should have let everyone know that  you'd read your mom's smutty How To book on fellatio techniques and that you used soft serve ice cream cones for practice, and that now, at 42 almost 43 years old, you STILL sort of practice whenever you eat soft serve ice cream cones. Just because it amuses you.

15. Do you like your hair?
most days.

2014: I have an amazing hair lady who is magic. So I like it best after I see her. Otherwise, meh.

16. Do you like yourself?
most days.

2014: Much more now than I did in 2009.

17. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush?
yes, but only if i could get him to drink several beers. i think we really would have fared better as a country from 2000-2008 had george w. bush still drunk beer.

2014: Absolutely! And I'd make him pay.

18. What are you listening to right now
kung fu panda. i'm not really watching it though.

2014: Silence. The beautiful sound of silence. And keyboard tapping.

19. Are your parents strict?
i bet the person who created this questionnaire was as old as this question number.

2014: I bet the person who answered this in 2009 thought that was a really pithy, snarky response.

20. Would you go sky diving?
horrors!! no!! no, no, and no again! why don't you just go ahead and ask me to stick my bloodied hand into a vat of hungry great white sharks while you're at it!

2014: You know what? In 2014 I'd consider going sky diving.

Ha, no. I 'm just messing with you. No, I would never sky dive. In addition to shark dreams, I have a recurring dream of plummeting to my death via plane. Planes and sharks: still my nemeses. Neither one even 30,000 miles near my bucket list.

21. Do you like cottage cheese?
sometimes. i like it with pineapples and/or peaches, though.

2014: I do eat it still. With pineapples and/or peaches. Sometimes I get really wild now and put mangoes in it. (?? who came up with this dumb questionnaire in 2009??)

22. Have you ever met a celebrity?
yes. when i was 7, i met the actors who played robin and catgirl on the TV show batman. i've also met the lead singer of pantera and several members of skid row. i liked the pantera guy much, much, much more. and once, i missed running into usher at a phipps plaza vase store by only several hours.

2014: I sat in front of Crystal Fox, star of stage and screen/IN THE HEAT OF THE NIGHT and HAVES AND HAVE NOTS, at Oprah's amaze-balls Life You Want weekend. I had no idea who she was, until after I got home and imdb'd her. Now I'm all impressed, but glad I didn't bother her. She was super nice, and deserved to be a regular person at an amaze-balls event.

I'm sure I've run into other celebrities since 2009, but I'm completely unobservant about things like that and slow on the uptake. Celebrities of planet Earth, breathe a sigh of relief about that.

23. Do you rent movies often?
no. i wait for them to come on hbo or showtime.

2014: Nope. I stream line 'em now.

24. Is there anything sparkly in the room you're in?
just my personality.

2014: still my personality. Still sparkly, with some patchouli notes on top of it.

25. How many countries have you visited?
one--mexico. but two if i can count the bahamas. three if i can count key west, which is technically america but feels like another world.

2014: Still just Mexico, Bahamas, and Key West. How can FIVE years have passed and I've still not set foot in at least Europe?! This is just effed up, 2014 Amy.

26. Have you made a prank phone call?
as a tween, we used to like to order pizzas for our elderly, curmudgeon neighbors. i'm not sure why we picked pizzas, but i'm sure it was very passive aggressive.

2014: I don't do prank phone calls still. I send emails now. I'm sure it's still very passive aggressive.

27. Ever been on a train?
yes. i've been on the old fashioned kind they drag around amusement parks, but also the regular amtrack kind. 

2014: Amtrack now has a writer residency program. Writers win spots on Amtrack trains and write as the train travels from one end of America to the other. I would love to do this. But in Europe. (I'd want there to be a murder on board, so all of us writers could recreate Agatha Christie's MURDER ON THE ORIENT EXPRESS.)

28. Brown or white eggs?
brown. i've been buying organic, free-range chicken products now. i only want chickens, pigs, and cows that are treated nice before we send them back to the Great Spirit in the sky.

2014: Still trying to buy as much organic, free-range foods as humanly possible. Monsanto is an evil empire, and only us Jedi grocery shoppers can defeat it. May the produce be with you.

29. Do you have a cell-phone?
yes. don't call me on it.

2014: yes. Don't call me on it. (text me! I always answer my texts.)

30. Do you use chap stick?
i use cover girl lip smart supreme. or something. it's by cover girl.

2014: This was SUCH a stupid question.

31. D0 you own a gun?
absolutely not. you can shoot your eye out. 

2014: Absolutely not. You can shoot your privates out.

32. Can you use chop sticks?
sometimes, when the pieces fall into all the right places. and i've had two glasses of wine.

2014: What the hell kind of 2009 answer was that?

33. Who are you going to be with tonight?
just M.

2014: Miss M. I am ALWAYS with Miss M.

34. Are you too forgiving?
usually. though i do remain snarky about certain things for years to come. it's my passive aggressive gene, i can't help it.

2014: Yes. I give people 2, 3, 5000 chances. Well beyond their expiration date.

35. Ever been in love?
yes.

2014: Constantly.

36. What is your best friend(s) doing tomorrow?
hopefully not waking up at 6 am.

2014: Hopefully not answering anything with any type of ridiculous questions on it.

37. Ever have cream puffs?
i don't know what these are. i bet i'd eat an entire box of them, though.

2014: sigh.

38. Last time you cried?
today. i was terrified i had a child with a hernia, or an obstructed intestine. or stomach cancer. (it was just a virus and some stopped up poop.)

2014: Friday night. I got so emotional watching my sweet girl dancing with friends, at a school she's thriving in.

39. What was the last question you asked?
did tanner ASK grace to put full make up on him and dress him up like a princess??

2014: Who came up with these questions for the love of all?

40. Favorite time of the year?
i'd say february--it's my birthday month. but the last several februarys have sucked. so i'm going with....june. i like june.

2014: The Summer. I. Love. Summer.

41. Do you have any tattoos?
no.

2014: No, but I want one now. I want a small tattoo, somewhere discreet, and I'd like it to be the Sanskrit symbol for God next to the sign for Pisces. Because I think you can combine religions, and also I like to cover all my spiritual bases.

42. Are you sarcastic?
what's it to ya?

2014: Me? Sarcastic?? Noooo.

43. Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect?
did ashton kutcher make this quiz up? i'm pretty sure he was in that movie.

2014: I think Ashton Kutcher wrote this questionnaire. (Quiz? Quiz?? Lands, 2009 Amy.)

44. Ever walked into a wall?
this is just ridiculous. now i'm positive ashton kutcher created this quiz.

2014: I'm only at question 44??? I'm so sorry if you're still reading this. Are you SURE you don't have some laundry or something to fold?

45. Favorite color?
i like combinations of green.

2014: Blue + green. I think they go well together: sky + grass + water. Why not.

46. Have you ever slapped someone?
just a love tap. really.

2014: Oh come on, 2009 me! You never love tapped anyone either!

47. Is your hair curly?
no, but m's is!

2014: Miss M, still the curliest haired one.

48. What was the last CD you bought?
i do itunes now. i haven't bought a CD in many, many years.

2014: Now I do Spotify.

49. Do looks matter?
only if you're shallow.

2014: Only if you're shallow. (And if you have blue eyes. Do you have very blue eyes? And an accent? If you do, let's talk.) (What? My husband? He's totally fine with this.) (What?! NO!! Don't TELL him!! Jesus Christ, never mind. Just. Go back to wherever you were.)

50. Could you ever forgive a cheater?
it depends on what's being cheated on.

2014: It depends on what's being cheated on. (I have no idea what this answer means, and I bet my 2009 self didn't either. But it sounded pithy and mysterious, so I'm re-using it.)

51. Is your phone bill sky high?
not since we schooled at&t on how they were working for us, not the other way around, boy!

2014: I wish you could see how hard I'm laughing at my 2009 self right now. Clearly, I thought it was very humorous to impersonate an egotistical bad ass.

52. Do you like your life right now?
my life is pretty peachy keen right now. 

2014: Parts of it.

53. Do you sleep with the TV on?
yes. it's not by choice--C can't sleep without it. and now? neither can i. though the few times i've had to sleep without one, i feel much better rested the next day.

2014: I sleep without the TV on now. When the TV is on, whatever's playing on it worms its way into my dreams and mixes with the sharks and the plane crashes. And I can't have that. I can't have it.

54. Can you handle the truth?
wait. now i think jack nicholson might have made up this quiz!

2014: Jesus god. I can't even. Some of these questions are just so...sigh. No. No, I can't, strange questionnaire writer from 2009. I can't handle the truth. Nobody can.

55. Do you have good vision?
yes, whenever i'm wearing my (ridiculously thick) glasses or extremely chiseled contacts.

2014: no. Physically and emotionally and mentally and spiritually: no.

56. Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people?
hate takes up way too much energy. and to dislike you i have to get to know you. and once i get to know you and decide i dislike you, we no longer know each other and so that's that.

though i will say some people seem to try to make it really, really, really easy for people to hate them. rush limbaugh comes to mind.

2014: I still hate Rush Limbaugh. And Bill O'Reilly. And some new people I've discovered or met since 2009 (for instance, the mayor of London: not on any of my party invitation lists). I do agree with myself still: hate takes up way too much energy. And most of the people you're hating aren't worth the energy to begin with.

57. How often do you talk on the phone?
only when i have to.

2014: Here's the thing with me and phones. I'm actually okay once the conversation starts. I'm nervous as I'm dialing and waiting for the other end to pick up--what if it's awkward? what if we run out of things to talk about? phone silences are so strange, and I feel a deep need to fill them but then I worry I sound like a big, dorky chatter-y person just babbling about nonsense. But if the middle of the conversation is flowing, I'm fine. But then there comes that moment where I really need to hang up and go, but I don't know how to end the call--I don't want to be abrupt, because that feels abrasive. But I have to GO. But I don't want to say that and disappoint the other end person if they were having a great time talking to me. How do I end this, oh god, what do I DO??? I am always relieved when the other person knows how to say good-bye and does it first.

I'm not a good phone talker, is what I'm saying. I feel like an episode of SEINFELD when I'm on the phone.

58. The last person you held hands with?
m, so she'd go to sleep.

2014: Still little Miss M. Oh, and Larry from school. He and I have to hold hands, practically all day.

59. What are you wearing?
light blue pajama bottoms and a dark blue tank top.

2014: I still have those PJs! But tonight I'm wearing cheetah print pajama bottoms and a black shirt with a rabbit skeleton on it that says: CRAZY ON THE INSIDE. It glows in the dark just like me. (This question sounds like something a creepy 65 year old guy posing as a creepy 19 year old guy would ask a creepy 58 year old guy posing as a 17 year old girl on an internet late night chat board.)

60.What is your favorite animal?
dolphins. and cats and dogs. but i really wish i could have a pet dolphin.

2014: Still dolphins. Still wish I could have a pet dolphin.

61. Where was your profile picture taken at?
in my classroom. m is trying to stand (she thinks downward dog pose is going to get her there...i think she's channeling her standing zen) and i am taking odd pictures of my bare feet. (that day, EVERY one got to take off their shoes and socks and go barefoot. just because i said they could.)

2014: At my house, in my kitchen, where I take most of my pictures. Because lighting.

62. Can you hula hoop?
i could when i was 7. but then, when i was 7 i could also do a handstand, a really cool cartwheel, and i could bend myself from a standing position to an upside down crab crawl position. today, i think i'd break several bones, tear many ligaments, and fracture a hip or two if i attempted those crazy moves. i'm pretty sure hula hooping would throw my back out.

2014: Last Spring, I attempted to do a cartwheel to impress Miss M. It did not go well. I am old, Internet. I am old. So young, yet so very, very, very...old.

63. Do you have a job?
thank goodness, yes. and it gives me free time in the summers.

2014:  Yes, I still have one of these. But is it the RIGHT one of these? For me, and where I want to go/what I want to do. That's changed a lot over 5 years.

64. What was the most recent thing you bought?
medicine. prescription laxatives, and then glycerin suppositories. those were not for me. for me, i bought strawberries and low fat cinnamon-flavored graham crackers.

2014: Groceries. And copy paper. (I have to buy my own copy paper and laser printer cartridges for work.) (I know. I know. I wish I had a dime for every time I told someone about this and they looked at me all crazy eyes and went, "Wha--?!" Listen, don't even go there with me right now. It's a thing.)

65. Have you ever crawled through a window?
i think i did that when i was 7. today, i'd dislocate a shoulder if i tried window crawling.

2014: Last year, I climbed a 7 foot fence in flip flops. I broke a foot. Where were you when I really needed you, 2009 Self? Probably avoiding my call.

This is my 2014 Facebook profile picture. M is showing you all her chewed up, gross mouth food. Classy, just like her mommy.

star wars rebel warrior princess

Princess Merida-Xena-Athena, rebel warrior goddess

Man, just when I thought I'd ridden myself of the winking/blinking emoji cats, they're back! What up, Blogger? Seriously, I'm going to have to move to Wordpress if this continues.

Internet, I've had a week. I think it'll be smoother and calmer by the end of October. And I can't write in great detail about it for now, but let me just say: my sense of humor and patience for troubled people was challenged really hard this week. And I had an experience that reminded me: it's really important to watch what we say to each other and how we say it. I am not perfect by any means, but I generally try to really think hard before I decide to end a friendship or say something really hurtful to another person or accuse someone of something based on my own weird paranoias. When I do make those choices, I'm prepared to accept consequences that come as a result. Because all choices have those, you know. And you should be ready to accept whatever shows up as a result of your choices.

But I also think it's never an accident who we cross paths with, that everyone is here to teach us something about ourselves or the world around us and the people we share it with. 

This week, I got a really big reminder of that, and I namaste'd that person all over the place (after I visualized them being smacked in the face by a runaway, out of control big Mack truck, of course). Because they brought this lesson home for me, really loud: Hey, Amy-see how it feels when someone does this to you? Don't ever do that to others, not even little out of control kids in your class, okay? This soul who did that to you is still failing this part of Life, but you went to Oprah's amaze-balls Life You Want weekend last month, so you know better, and you know what's going on here, what you need to do now. This person is a teacher for you, learn from them. Think about hearts, in ways this particular teacher can't. See the light in this teacher because they can't see it themselves, and also because that light is in you (namaste).

I'll do better than I have in the past, Universe. I promise. And namaste to the troubled mf'er who helped me resolve to do that. 

Okay that's done. Moving on. 

So at this moment, I'm watching Star Wars Rebels. My favorite male actor (hello, Jason Isaacs!) does the voice of The Inquisitor in it. This is not why Star Wars Rebels is on my television right now. Most of the time, if Jason says, "Jump!" I go, "Is this high enough, Jason? I can go higher if I practice some more!" So when Jason very subtly suggested this Star Wars Rebels thing was super awesome and Twitter just about blew up this summer when Star Wars fans were shitting their pants after he admitted to being The Inquisitor, I was all: uh, hey Jason, sorry! I'm going to respectfully pass on this job you did. I'll watch you get blown up in a war, burn down churches with kids in them, and beat up bad guys, but cartoons? No can do, mon ami.

I am not a big cartoon/anime fan. I have never been a cartoon fan, in fact. Even as a child, when all the cartoons were airing on Saturday mornings, I'd get so annoyed at Wil E. Coyote, because come on, Wil E.! Get with the program--Roadrunner's SCAMMING you. AGAIN. This is so irritating. I am irritated for you, Coyote. What the hell is wrong with you?! Frustrating. I can't even talk about Daffy Duck--my eye twitch will start up again. Even as a small child, I was more into The Brady Bunch or Bionic Woman or Wonder Woman and other real live action people shows. Once, I had a choice between Scooby Doo and Lawrence Welk, and I totally chose champagne bubble music over the dog. (I sense some of you are completely aghast and horrified at my child self right now--I think I've mentioned before: I was eccentric.)

I feel this way about graphic novels. I don't get them. Some people love them. I don't get them. A novel is words, isn't it? A comic book is words + pictures but has more of a magazine-y feel. A graphic novel seems to be confused about who and what it is--it kind of wants to be a book, but it also wants to be magazine-y. If graphic novels were human, I bet they'd wear the kind of undergarments that would shock their grandmas and make them question their whole realities.

Wait. Where was I? Mean people...Star Wars...Looney Tunes...Brady Bunch....freaking out your grandma...oh right! So my child has been seeing commercials for Star Wars Rebels for weeks and weeks now, and when it came on, she danced around like a crazed, coked up zombie and insisted we watch it. So we started watching it (then she fell asleep). But before she fell asleep, she was absorbed in it--she likes the green girl with the weird green ponytails (her description, but I concur). I'm so happy when stuff like this happens. Like, tonight she demanded Harry Styles posters for her birthday so she can kiss him every night before bed...fifteen minutes later, she was obsessed with getting a real light saber because it makes such a cool noise and she wants to use it in battle. In these moments, I am hyper aware: wow, just when I think I'm raising a future Cinderella...phew! I got Merida! Or Xena, Warrior Princess! Or Athena, Warrior Goddess! Or all three, rolled into one! 

So Miss M had her first dance tonight, and I now recognize it was absolutely no accident she chose to go as Athena, Warrior Goddess. I watched my small Athena dance with wild abandon and I had to sit through a One Direction song during which Athena (Warrior Goddess) screamed her crazy little goddess head off because Harry was assuring her she doesn't know she's beautiful, and she jumped around like she was at a frickin' Beatles concert and this is 1965. But I also watched a tiny little Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle pretty much hang out all alone at the dance while M and highly excitable little friends danced in circles around him, and I was all: oh, poor little wallflower turtle guy! My (social butterfly) kid did what comes naturally to her: kept trying to engage him. I so identified with the child--he was all: leave me alone, I'm just going to stand here. I understand children like that, having been one once upon a time.

Which is why I almost (ALMOST) walked up to him to ask if he wanted to come sit with me (where all the parent wallflowers were sitting, because the dance floor was a terrifying place of chaos and torpedo-like small bodies. No, I'm actually being very serious: TERRIFYING....small bodies were dive bombing around the dance floor. I did do the cha cha slide for a bit, but then I was rejected by my line dance partner Athena, warrior goddess for Elsa, frozen queen.) But I left Ninja Turtle alone, and just watched to make sure no overly excited little rugrats tried to make him feel bad about his need to stand cemented like a statue at all times. From time to time, Miss M would attempt to get him to engage, he would object, then she'd shrug and hop off to her little dancing queen group. He'd look at his Ninja Turtle watch and continue to stand. 

At some point I realized, wait, no! That Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle isn't standing because he just prefers to observe rather than engage...that Turtle is standing because he has no clue what's going on, and he keeps looking at his watch because he's waiting for someone to come get him. Is he...oh my god, he's here all alone! He got dropped off by his mom who promptly LEFT the building, like she was Elvis or something. Hey, moms and dads! Don't drop your tiny kids off and leave them all alone! Because then they have to call the cops on you, and that's Bad News. Which is precisely what happened. 

I watched a very sad scene play out, but I also watched some amazingly professional educators really take care of one confused little turtle tonight. Planet Earth, are you aware of how much your educators protect your children, how they love them without judgment or reservation? Please be aware of this, every time you type an angry anti-teacher letter to the editor or jot off a mean note to your child's teacher; those people have some really humongous hearts and children's best interest as their focus. I hope everything turned out okay for Leonardo (or whichever Ninja Turtle he was).

Gosh, my heart is still hurting for that little guy right now. I'm trying really hard not to judge the situation, because I don't know that family's circumstances. Maybe they misread the big, bolded letters on the invitation: PARENTS MAY NOT DROP OFF THEIR CHILD AND LEAVE THE BUILDING. I know sometimes I say "DON'T RUN!" and my small charges only hear this part of my command: "RUN!!" so I have to U-turn it around and say instead: "I MEANT WALK!!" 

Or maybe there was an emergency and the mom thought she'd be right back but it was bigger than she anticipated. It's hard for me to wrap my mind around leaving my child alone somewhere--three times tonight I had to frantically search the place for Athena because I couldn't see her, and I was sure someone dressed as Zorro or a chess piece had taken her.

And also, seriously? Don't you want to see your little progeny hop around like a maniac, giggle with friends, gorge on ice cream, and try to dance Gangnum Style in such a way that you take a million videos of it JUST so you can pull them out in 10 years to amuse their date right before they go to the Homecoming Dance? (What?? Are you JUDGING me right now? Listen: I get yelled at on a daily basis for things that make absolutely no sense to anyone over the age of 6 1/2. This shall be my revenge. My well-planned, exacted, highly orchestrated revenge. And it will taste sweet, and I will revel in it, and I don't care what you think.)

At any rate, I've just come from an evening of unadulterated cuteness, and I have a story percolating because of it. I'm not posting this blog entry until tomorrow morning, but I had to write it right now! Because I love my little girl's school--this is what public school OUGHT to be, and this school feels like it has an atmosphere of kindness, from my parent perspective, and I am very very concerned with kindness these days. And I fell in love a little bit with the principal tonight--what a neat lady. I think Miss M is in a really good place right now, and that makes me happy. Because I really believe in public school, but y'all know how much angst I have about the direction it's been going lately. It feels so good to know my budding Athena is in good hands Monday through Friday, August through May, in spite of what the politicians are doing. 

It looks to me like she's surrounded by Xena Warrior Princesses, Athenas, and Star Wars Rebels, all training her well. (And she's made some silly, awesome little friends there, too.) 

The moral to this post: Hurt people tend to hurt people, so don't let them pee all over your dance party. They can pee AT your dance party, but not ON it. Be far too busy enjoying the blaring One Direction songs and fishing for gum drops with toothpicks to worry about why someone's standing off in a corner urinating all over themselves, muttering about having their vindication. And always talk to Ninja Turtles and give them hugs, whenever you get a chance. They may really need you to.