5 year itch.

This was my 2009 Facebook profile picture. Hope you like feet.

A friend of mine re-visited a sixty-five (!!) question questionnaire (?) thingie we both responded to on Facebook way back in 2009, and I loved seeing how she got to reflect on herself as she was 5 years ago vs. where she's at today. So I copycatted her (translation: ripped off her creativity) (but this is okay! Pablo Picasso said so) and I'm doing my re-visit here. 

And then I started answering some of these questions again, and goodness, Internet. Some of these questions are just so...WHY? But I answered them back in 2009, and so I answered them again, hoping to gain some inner insight into Me Then vs. Me Now. (In conclusion: I've learned that nothing's changed, really. This is both good and bad, I suppose.) At any rate, it's 65 (!!!) questions, and they're all ego-based, narcissistic-y and so if you have laundry to fold or grades to import like me, you should go do that instead. Actually, no! Wait. First scroll down to my 2014 Facebook profile picture so you can see what that cute little baby foot up there turned into, and THEN go fold your laundry and import your grades. 

1. First thing you wash in the shower?
my hair. my hair is horrible in the morning. it must be washed. every morning. first thing.

2014: I still wash my hair first. Because I like routine.

2. What color is your favorite hoodie?
it's a red st. louis cardinals hoodie and it's HUUUUUGE. it's very forgiving. and warm on cold days. and the only piece of st. louis cardinals clothing i'm allowed to touch, since i officially own it. everything else st. louis cardinals is off limits. 

2014: I don't wear hoodies anymore. (And it has nothing to do with George Zimmerman. I just don't wear them.) (But let's be honest: I do feel safer not wearing a hoodie when in Florida.) St. Louis Cardinals clothing not officially owned by me is still off-limits.

3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
absolutely. there is nothing as nice to kiss as a smooth, soft, squishy baby cheek. 

2014: I would STILL kiss this person. There is nothing as nice to kiss as a smooth, soft, squishy 5 year old cheek.

4. Do you plan outfits?
yes, while i'm in the shower thinking, "man. what am i going to wear NOW." 

2014: Whatever's clean.

5. How are you feeling RIGHT now?
sad and happy. sad because i have to get up at 6 AM tomorrow for a class about teaching little english learners to read, but happy because i'll get paid for it. sad, because C is coming home on thursday and melissa has to sleep in her crib then. but happy because her fever's gone (AND she pooped, finally!)...and C is coming home. i hope he doesn't smell like fish.

2014: Seriously, 2009, Amy? You were worried about poop and fish? Today, right now, I'm feeling stressed. Stressed, stressed, stressed. (Maybe I need to eat some fish and poop.)

6. Whats the closest thing to you thats red?
melissa's sweet mouth is pretty red. ish.

2014: This is a ridiculous question.

7. Tell me about the last dream you remember having?
i think it was about melissa being sick. clearly, i was a tad freaked out by the high temperature and all the crying.

2014: I dreamt about sharks. I dream about sharks a lot--I have a recurring dream about them. Sometimes I'm swimming with them all nice but nervously. Sometimes I'm terrified because there's a big one below me I can't see but it's there and it could eat me at any moment. You know what's nuts? The other day, M woke up and told me she had a bad dream about me: I was a shark and I wanted to eat her, so she had to swim to daddy.

My crazy recurring dream is transferring psychically to other people. GREAT. Thanks, dream sharks.

8. Did you meet anybody new today?
just some pissed off people at the Kaiser Pharmacy. they were muttering things like "why'd they change the set up??? this is HORRIBLE!" one woman said, "now! this is just pissing! me! off! sorry y'all, for my language. but this is just pissing! me! off!" 

it did take 25 minutes to get a simple prescription for loosening up poop filled. but i kept my mutterings inside my head. 

2014: Thank god, no. And thank god I don't have Kaiser Permanente insurance anymore, apparently.

Also, my 2009 self didn't know the term "crowd rage." See? Even back then, I was a total, complete crowd rager. Except now I'm out of the closet about it.

9. What are you craving right now?
i wish i could fall asleep on cue. 

2014: I still wish I could fall asleep on cue.

10. Do you floss?
no. i'm probably going to have dentures by the time i'm 50.

2014: I do. I start flossing obsessively about 24 hours before a dental check up.

11. What comes to mind when I say cabbage?
fiber. way too much fiber. also, coleslaw. 

2014:  Still coleslaw.

12. Are you emotional?
it depends on my estrogen/progesterone load that day. but typically: yes.

2014: I've embraced it now. I live and breathe my hormones.

13. Have you ever counted to 1,000?
once, when i was a 4th grader, my math teacher got mad at our whole class. our homework assignment was to write all the numbers from 0-1,000. 27 years later, i'm still highly resentful about it. also, 27 years later--as a teacher--i now know that making kids write as punishment is wrong, wrong, wrong. totally turns kids off from wanting to write anything--stories, essays, poems, you name it.

i wish i could find that 4th grade math teacher. her name was mrs. belcher. i'd tell mrs. belcher i'm pretty sure her write to 1,000 math assignment was what started my life-long math issues. teachers! stop psychologically messing up your students!

2014: I'd still like to find Mrs. Belcher. I'd let her know that NOW we make 2nd graders go up to 1,000. I suspect Mrs. Belcher is behind this.

........what kind of a name is "Belcher"? 2009 Amy, did you make that up?? 2014 Amy can't remember ever having a teacher named "Belcher."

14. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it?
i refuse to answer this question. it seems obscene.

2014: Because licking ice cream IS obscene, 2009 Amy. You weren't being completely honest when you answered this: you should have let everyone know that  you'd read your mom's smutty How To book on fellatio techniques and that you used soft serve ice cream cones for practice, and that now, at 42 almost 43 years old, you STILL sort of practice whenever you eat soft serve ice cream cones. Just because it amuses you.

15. Do you like your hair?
most days.

2014: I have an amazing hair lady who is magic. So I like it best after I see her. Otherwise, meh.

16. Do you like yourself?
most days.

2014: Much more now than I did in 2009.

17. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush?
yes, but only if i could get him to drink several beers. i think we really would have fared better as a country from 2000-2008 had george w. bush still drunk beer.

2014: Absolutely! And I'd make him pay.

18. What are you listening to right now
kung fu panda. i'm not really watching it though.

2014: Silence. The beautiful sound of silence. And keyboard tapping.

19. Are your parents strict?
i bet the person who created this questionnaire was as old as this question number.

2014: I bet the person who answered this in 2009 thought that was a really pithy, snarky response.

20. Would you go sky diving?
horrors!! no!! no, no, and no again! why don't you just go ahead and ask me to stick my bloodied hand into a vat of hungry great white sharks while you're at it!

2014: You know what? In 2014 I'd consider going sky diving.

Ha, no. I 'm just messing with you. No, I would never sky dive. In addition to shark dreams, I have a recurring dream of plummeting to my death via plane. Planes and sharks: still my nemeses. Neither one even 30,000 miles near my bucket list.

21. Do you like cottage cheese?
sometimes. i like it with pineapples and/or peaches, though.

2014: I do eat it still. With pineapples and/or peaches. Sometimes I get really wild now and put mangoes in it. (?? who came up with this dumb questionnaire in 2009??)

22. Have you ever met a celebrity?
yes. when i was 7, i met the actors who played robin and catgirl on the TV show batman. i've also met the lead singer of pantera and several members of skid row. i liked the pantera guy much, much, much more. and once, i missed running into usher at a phipps plaza vase store by only several hours.

2014: I sat in front of Crystal Fox, star of stage and screen/IN THE HEAT OF THE NIGHT and HAVES AND HAVE NOTS, at Oprah's amaze-balls Life You Want weekend. I had no idea who she was, until after I got home and imdb'd her. Now I'm all impressed, but glad I didn't bother her. She was super nice, and deserved to be a regular person at an amaze-balls event.

I'm sure I've run into other celebrities since 2009, but I'm completely unobservant about things like that and slow on the uptake. Celebrities of planet Earth, breathe a sigh of relief about that.

23. Do you rent movies often?
no. i wait for them to come on hbo or showtime.

2014: Nope. I stream line 'em now.

24. Is there anything sparkly in the room you're in?
just my personality.

2014: still my personality. Still sparkly, with some patchouli notes on top of it.

25. How many countries have you visited?
one--mexico. but two if i can count the bahamas. three if i can count key west, which is technically america but feels like another world.

2014: Still just Mexico, Bahamas, and Key West. How can FIVE years have passed and I've still not set foot in at least Europe?! This is just effed up, 2014 Amy.

26. Have you made a prank phone call?
as a tween, we used to like to order pizzas for our elderly, curmudgeon neighbors. i'm not sure why we picked pizzas, but i'm sure it was very passive aggressive.

2014: I don't do prank phone calls still. I send emails now. I'm sure it's still very passive aggressive.

27. Ever been on a train?
yes. i've been on the old fashioned kind they drag around amusement parks, but also the regular amtrack kind. 

2014: Amtrack now has a writer residency program. Writers win spots on Amtrack trains and write as the train travels from one end of America to the other. I would love to do this. But in Europe. (I'd want there to be a murder on board, so all of us writers could recreate Agatha Christie's MURDER ON THE ORIENT EXPRESS.)

28. Brown or white eggs?
brown. i've been buying organic, free-range chicken products now. i only want chickens, pigs, and cows that are treated nice before we send them back to the Great Spirit in the sky.

2014: Still trying to buy as much organic, free-range foods as humanly possible. Monsanto is an evil empire, and only us Jedi grocery shoppers can defeat it. May the produce be with you.

29. Do you have a cell-phone?
yes. don't call me on it.

2014: yes. Don't call me on it. (text me! I always answer my texts.)

30. Do you use chap stick?
i use cover girl lip smart supreme. or something. it's by cover girl.

2014: This was SUCH a stupid question.

31. D0 you own a gun?
absolutely not. you can shoot your eye out. 

2014: Absolutely not. You can shoot your privates out.

32. Can you use chop sticks?
sometimes, when the pieces fall into all the right places. and i've had two glasses of wine.

2014: What the hell kind of 2009 answer was that?

33. Who are you going to be with tonight?
just M.

2014: Miss M. I am ALWAYS with Miss M.

34. Are you too forgiving?
usually. though i do remain snarky about certain things for years to come. it's my passive aggressive gene, i can't help it.

2014: Yes. I give people 2, 3, 5000 chances. Well beyond their expiration date.

35. Ever been in love?

2014: Constantly.

36. What is your best friend(s) doing tomorrow?
hopefully not waking up at 6 am.

2014: Hopefully not answering anything with any type of ridiculous questions on it.

37. Ever have cream puffs?
i don't know what these are. i bet i'd eat an entire box of them, though.

2014: sigh.

38. Last time you cried?
today. i was terrified i had a child with a hernia, or an obstructed intestine. or stomach cancer. (it was just a virus and some stopped up poop.)

2014: Friday night. I got so emotional watching my sweet girl dancing with friends, at a school she's thriving in.

39. What was the last question you asked?
did tanner ASK grace to put full make up on him and dress him up like a princess??

2014: Who came up with these questions for the love of all?

40. Favorite time of the year?
i'd say february--it's my birthday month. but the last several februarys have sucked. so i'm going with....june. i like june.

2014: The Summer. I. Love. Summer.

41. Do you have any tattoos?

2014: No, but I want one now. I want a small tattoo, somewhere discreet, and I'd like it to be the Sanskrit symbol for God next to the sign for Pisces. Because I think you can combine religions, and also I like to cover all my spiritual bases.

42. Are you sarcastic?
what's it to ya?

2014: Me? Sarcastic?? Noooo.

43. Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect?
did ashton kutcher make this quiz up? i'm pretty sure he was in that movie.

2014: I think Ashton Kutcher wrote this questionnaire. (Quiz? Quiz?? Lands, 2009 Amy.)

44. Ever walked into a wall?
this is just ridiculous. now i'm positive ashton kutcher created this quiz.

2014: I'm only at question 44??? I'm so sorry if you're still reading this. Are you SURE you don't have some laundry or something to fold?

45. Favorite color?
i like combinations of green.

2014: Blue + green. I think they go well together: sky + grass + water. Why not.

46. Have you ever slapped someone?
just a love tap. really.

2014: Oh come on, 2009 me! You never love tapped anyone either!

47. Is your hair curly?
no, but m's is!

2014: Miss M, still the curliest haired one.

48. What was the last CD you bought?
i do itunes now. i haven't bought a CD in many, many years.

2014: Now I do Spotify.

49. Do looks matter?
only if you're shallow.

2014: Only if you're shallow. (And if you have blue eyes. Do you have very blue eyes? And an accent? If you do, let's talk.) (What? My husband? He's totally fine with this.) (What?! NO!! Don't TELL him!! Jesus Christ, never mind. Just. Go back to wherever you were.)

50. Could you ever forgive a cheater?
it depends on what's being cheated on.

2014: It depends on what's being cheated on. (I have no idea what this answer means, and I bet my 2009 self didn't either. But it sounded pithy and mysterious, so I'm re-using it.)

51. Is your phone bill sky high?
not since we schooled at&t on how they were working for us, not the other way around, boy!

2014: I wish you could see how hard I'm laughing at my 2009 self right now. Clearly, I thought it was very humorous to impersonate an egotistical bad ass.

52. Do you like your life right now?
my life is pretty peachy keen right now. 

2014: Parts of it.

53. Do you sleep with the TV on?
yes. it's not by choice--C can't sleep without it. and now? neither can i. though the few times i've had to sleep without one, i feel much better rested the next day.

2014: I sleep without the TV on now. When the TV is on, whatever's playing on it worms its way into my dreams and mixes with the sharks and the plane crashes. And I can't have that. I can't have it.

54. Can you handle the truth?
wait. now i think jack nicholson might have made up this quiz!

2014: Jesus god. I can't even. Some of these questions are just so...sigh. No. No, I can't, strange questionnaire writer from 2009. I can't handle the truth. Nobody can.

55. Do you have good vision?
yes, whenever i'm wearing my (ridiculously thick) glasses or extremely chiseled contacts.

2014: no. Physically and emotionally and mentally and spiritually: no.

56. Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people?
hate takes up way too much energy. and to dislike you i have to get to know you. and once i get to know you and decide i dislike you, we no longer know each other and so that's that.

though i will say some people seem to try to make it really, really, really easy for people to hate them. rush limbaugh comes to mind.

2014: I still hate Rush Limbaugh. And Bill O'Reilly. And some new people I've discovered or met since 2009 (for instance, the mayor of London: not on any of my party invitation lists). I do agree with myself still: hate takes up way too much energy. And most of the people you're hating aren't worth the energy to begin with.

57. How often do you talk on the phone?
only when i have to.

2014: Here's the thing with me and phones. I'm actually okay once the conversation starts. I'm nervous as I'm dialing and waiting for the other end to pick up--what if it's awkward? what if we run out of things to talk about? phone silences are so strange, and I feel a deep need to fill them but then I worry I sound like a big, dorky chatter-y person just babbling about nonsense. But if the middle of the conversation is flowing, I'm fine. But then there comes that moment where I really need to hang up and go, but I don't know how to end the call--I don't want to be abrupt, because that feels abrasive. But I have to GO. But I don't want to say that and disappoint the other end person if they were having a great time talking to me. How do I end this, oh god, what do I DO??? I am always relieved when the other person knows how to say good-bye and does it first.

I'm not a good phone talker, is what I'm saying. I feel like an episode of SEINFELD when I'm on the phone.

58. The last person you held hands with?
m, so she'd go to sleep.

2014: Still little Miss M. Oh, and Larry from school. He and I have to hold hands, practically all day.

59. What are you wearing?
light blue pajama bottoms and a dark blue tank top.

2014: I still have those PJs! But tonight I'm wearing cheetah print pajama bottoms and a black shirt with a rabbit skeleton on it that says: CRAZY ON THE INSIDE. It glows in the dark just like me. (This question sounds like something a creepy 65 year old guy posing as a creepy 19 year old guy would ask a creepy 58 year old guy posing as a 17 year old girl on an internet late night chat board.)

60.What is your favorite animal?
dolphins. and cats and dogs. but i really wish i could have a pet dolphin.

2014: Still dolphins. Still wish I could have a pet dolphin.

61. Where was your profile picture taken at?
in my classroom. m is trying to stand (she thinks downward dog pose is going to get her there...i think she's channeling her standing zen) and i am taking odd pictures of my bare feet. (that day, EVERY one got to take off their shoes and socks and go barefoot. just because i said they could.)

2014: At my house, in my kitchen, where I take most of my pictures. Because lighting.

62. Can you hula hoop?
i could when i was 7. but then, when i was 7 i could also do a handstand, a really cool cartwheel, and i could bend myself from a standing position to an upside down crab crawl position. today, i think i'd break several bones, tear many ligaments, and fracture a hip or two if i attempted those crazy moves. i'm pretty sure hula hooping would throw my back out.

2014: Last Spring, I attempted to do a cartwheel to impress Miss M. It did not go well. I am old, Internet. I am old. So young, yet so very, very, very...old.

63. Do you have a job?
thank goodness, yes. and it gives me free time in the summers.

2014:  Yes, I still have one of these. But is it the RIGHT one of these? For me, and where I want to go/what I want to do. That's changed a lot over 5 years.

64. What was the most recent thing you bought?
medicine. prescription laxatives, and then glycerin suppositories. those were not for me. for me, i bought strawberries and low fat cinnamon-flavored graham crackers.

2014: Groceries. And copy paper. (I have to buy my own copy paper and laser printer cartridges for work.) (I know. I know. I wish I had a dime for every time I told someone about this and they looked at me all crazy eyes and went, "Wha--?!" Listen, don't even go there with me right now. It's a thing.)

65. Have you ever crawled through a window?
i think i did that when i was 7. today, i'd dislocate a shoulder if i tried window crawling.

2014: Last year, I climbed a 7 foot fence in flip flops. I broke a foot. Where were you when I really needed you, 2009 Self? Probably avoiding my call.

This is my 2014 Facebook profile picture. M is showing you all her chewed up, gross mouth food. Classy, just like her mommy.

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