I shouldn't be though, because my god--Miss M's BIG Day is coming up, and I should be all excited! (She is.) And I have a trip, complete with good friends, a beach, and ghosts, coming up. And my work atmosphere is exactly 110% better these days. So I should not be having a case of the deep blahs. I should not. I should not.
(I once went to a hippie, God-is-LOVE kind of church and someone talked to me about should-ing all over yourself. Don't should all over yourself; just know it is what it is for reasons you don't know why.) (Right now, this sounds like the kind of advice Ernest Hemingway might have given...while drinking.)
At any rate, I'm in a weird place right now. Somewhere between just wanting to sleep all day with the covers over my head and wanting to sign up for a boxing tournament so I can punch the shit out of the world.
Have I ever mentioned I worry I suffer from ADHD? I read an article the other day that said females actually suffer from this a lot more than we think, and that most research focuses on boys and how boys react when suffering from it (Planet Earth, why do you always care about the BOYS more??). So when a boy suffers from it, he's all psycho and all over the place--the voices in his head never shut up and he's like a pinging ping pong ball. But when girls suffer from it, they look and act like completely normal people...except maybe they can't organize or prioritize themselves, even if someone is offering them a marriage proposal from Clive Owen, say. And they forget things like who they are and all that. But they're calm and not pinging off the walls, so...whatevs. (seems to be the attitude.)
The problem is that this "whatevs" attitude causes anxiety and depression. It also causes social introversion and a whole slew of other problems Freud didn't have a big enough psychoanalysis couch for. Because the world is saying to girls: You're not bouncing off the walls or anything, and you're not trying to destroy shit on purpose, so you're fine. There is nothing wrong with you. You have two X chromosomes! Stop complaining and get it together! Why can't you get it together? Look: SHE can. And SHE can. And look at that one over there--SHE'S totally doing it better than you.
And so the ADHD girl/woman feels lost, alone, inadequate, and for-the-love-of-god can I seriously stop leaving my car keys in the freezer??? And on top of this, if not treated, the girl grows up into an adult woman who mostly maintains and does perfectly fine at life...except she keeps leaving her car keys in the freezer. (I don't do this...I leave them in my purse. Which is practically a Science experiment at this point. So is the backseat of my car. And I'm worried about THAT, because the front seat of my car is fine--this is where I sit. The backseat of my car is a wear-your-Hazmat-suit zone--this is where Miss M sits. And don't even get me started on Miss M's bedroom. I am worried, World Wide Web. I am worried I have genetically effed up my child, and this is again one of those things the God is Love people would tell me to stop shoulding about, but I DO should about it. I should about it all the time.)
So if this is true, then I have this and it explains quite a fucking lot.
But I don't want to take Adderall or Ritalin, even if they will make me lose 500 pounds and help me keep my work area organized and on stay on target. And I don't want to be labeled, or be a stigma. But I do want to stop feeling inadequate and lost. There are moments I am fine, all is well, it just is what it is...and then there are days and weeks like now, where I'm all: WTF? Amy! Are you okay?! And I seriously don't know if I can get through the next day at work.
But I'm not an episode of Hoarders--I have a nice home and, except for some Ebola hiding behind the toilets in my bathroom, it's totally clean. And I DO get through the day at work, even somewhat adequately. I have lots and lots of friends and love a good dinner out and being around other people. I dress well, and I look okay. I'm functioning, is what I'm saying. I'm a functioning, tax-paying, law obeying, sane, completely nice and kind and normal member of the human race. But the backseat of my car is crazy, and so is my work area and my ability to stay focused or even have A Plan when I start my day. And I let things go until they become huge monsters and then I just go hide under the covers or write navel-gazing blog entries at 1:30 AM because I can't go back to sleep, and I give out a lot of TMI you didn't even ask to know about me. It's so bad, sometimes I'll read things about strangers' lives (for example, Jason Isaacs' travel schedule and the amount of people who want to take selfies with him), and I will feel completely overwhelmed and want to hide under the covers for about a week. I would make a horrible celebrity--I often feel empathy when I watch celebrities go off the deep end...it IS overwhelming; people can be overwhelming. And if you're not organized or able to prioritize your life, then why not, say, just let a sociopath like Sam Lufti be in charge of you? (making it even more overwhelming.) When Greta Garbo said, "I want to be alone," I totally get it.
I don't know what this is. But it's causing the blahs and also a slight feeling of wanting to punch holes into walls. I feel like a tightly wound steel cable that, given the right circumstances, may unwind so hard and so fast I'll get a severe case of whiplash and it will not be good.
In conclusion, this sums me up right about now: