stupid romance advice: a PSA.

I saw this on Pinterest the other day, and am compelled, as a PSA for all (heterosexual, but I bet homosexual couples can relate to some of the ridiculousness here) couples but specifically males since that's who the list is aimed at, to address the most egregious items of stupidity on the following Romance Hack:

This mess. This whole 31 item mess. Let's just analyze what the hell is going on here, because I really think people who come up with lists like this are fucking it up for perfectly good people in perfectly fine relationships. Expectations are a hell of a drug, and they're always the reason you're unhappy, I swear it. 

The following are the items from this list I have the biggest issues with:

#3: I mean, yeah, if she knows you're in the room and it's possible you may do that. I mean, don't sneak up on her or anything. What if she has a hot curling iron in her hand? That's an ER visit right there, yo. 

#4: I think you'd really need to evaluate your girl and the nature of your relationship before embarking on this journey. Leave her text messages AND voice mails EVERY DAY?? Doesn't that seem a bit obsessive? I like to get text messages from my friends every day, and some times more than once. But if I don't hear from them for a day, then I don't lose it or anything. And I don't have a problem sending them a text message making sure they're okay. Maybe the girl can do that for you, too. (Here, my inner Gloria Steinem is showing.)

#5: I dunno. Really? Wrestle/Tickle war seems like something I do with my 7 year old or that I liked to do WHEN I was 7 years old.

#6: Wouldn't it depend upon the nature of the relationship you now have with your ex? If you're friends, just friends, and your girl is secure with herself and with her relationship with you, then this shouldn't bother her at all. There are these things mature relationships have called "trust" and "communication." When you have those two elements, it doesn't really matter who hangs out with who, when, where, or why. In fact, if you wanted to have sex with your ex and you're open and honest about it and your current girl is okay with it? Then more power to you guys. 

#7: Stupid. Just insipid and stupid. Scroll down below for my thoughts on #29. Who the hell wrote this list? I'm beginning to suspect a jilted girl, not a guy.

#8: Just make sure your notes are short and to the point and not too sappy. Nobody wants to start a day off with a lot of sap.

#9: Well, I mean, IS she your girlfriend? Have y'all had a formal "hey, let's be boyfriend/girlfriend" talk yet? If not, I'd hold off on #9 for a bit. If you have, and you're both in agreement you're boyfriend/girlfriend-level status, then this tip seems sorta well, duh.

#10: Okay. I'm down with #10. It's the single item on this list I'd without any reservation tell any man: Yes, do that. Oh my god, yes. DO THAT.

#11: WHAT?! No. NO!!! First, she is not an infant. Second, you're going to break your back. Are you kidding me?! This screams IMMEDIATE ER VISIT all over it.

#12: sigh. If you feel it necessary to do this, then you're either insecure and need to grow up, or you're with someone who's on purpose trying to MAKE you insecure and needs to grow up, or you've got some serious issues with ownership. You are in a RELATIONship, not an OWNERship. Act accordingly.

If, however, the guy is threatening your girl or a strange man touching her in her bathing suit areas, then by all means yes: get upset. Call the bouncers/security over. And as they're dragging that douchebag out of the establishment, scream all kinds of nasty names at him so you're her hero (without getting your nose smashed in).  

#15: Really? REALLY?? Somebody's mad at you, and you think kissing/hugging is going to fix it? No. Nein, nyet, non, nope. Stop the invalidation and just effing discuss the issue.

#17: I had the biggest, most visceral reaction to #17.  No, I will NOT hug a stuffed animal from you every time I go to sleep, because I am not 2 years old. 

Full disclosure: I do actually have a stuffed animal I SOMETIMES hug (for comfort) to go to sleep, but I've been hugging it since I was, why yes - 2 years old. And my Uncle Joey gave it to me for Christmas. And I keep the stuffed animal in a hidden place because it's just a soothing thing I have. But if given a stuffed animal as a gift by a grown ass man to a grown ass woman? No. Just NO. It's...NO. 

Jewelry is nice...if you're THISCLOSE to being married. Otherwise, it's too much/too soon and thus either really creepy or trying waaaaayyyy too hard. And if things go awry, it's the first thing going to the pawn shop, I swear it. T-shirts/sweatshirts sprayed with cologne...this sounds like something teenage girls do when they want attention from One Direction - write a fan letter, spray it with some body spray by Britney Spears, and kiss it with lipstick on. But for a grown up? NO. 

And giving a grown woman all of these things together?Oh my god. Listen to me, just do this: just take her out for a nice dinner and maybe a walk in a moonlit park, man. Hold her hand, have a deep talk about something that matters to both of you, listen to her, don't judge her, make her laugh, laugh at her jokes...I mean, is it just me? Does it really have to be this hard? If she likes flowers, get her some. If she likes live theatre, take her to a play. IT'S NOT HARD. Just...oh god, please. NO STUFFED ANIMALS.

#21. I LOL'd the longest at #21. "Kiss her in the rain (girls love this)." Hoo my. I just...I can't even. Listen, gentlemen: most girls, in the rain, are like: aaaggghh! my hair is getting wet! i'm going to look like a drowned rat!!! I hope my make up doesn't run!!! I mean, if it works out and you end up kissing in the rain, it's romantic, yes. But you know where kissing in the rain is usually romantic? Under an awning. Just make sure your girl isn't getting drenched when you kiss her in the rain. And don't - DO NOT - ever put in ( ) what girls love. You totally look like an amateur. And that goes for you too, missy, the girl who probably wrote this list.

#'s 23-26. Oh, of course! All girls love to listen to YOUR music. Why not do this: find songs you BOTH like. BOOM, instant connection. #'s 24-26, well, duh, Captain Obvious.

#27. But what if she wants $10 million? Or a 5 star trip to Fiji? This seems far too open-ended for a list of this nature: Here is exactly, precisely what will make your gal happy. This, this, this aaaaannnd...oh hell, just give her whatever she wants. (Like a one night stand with Channing Tatum?) 

#29 First, refer back to what I said regarding #6. Second, go meditate on #12. Last, sweet, dear gentlemen: if you are with a girl who has a problem with you hugging other girls, or with you hugging your friends who are girls, in front of her? You are already 3/4 of the way to a majorly bad break up. Probably because (a) you read - and buy into - lists of this nature, and (b) you got yourself a girl, and not a woman. A woman doesn't care who you're friends with, and she's secure enough with herself that she doesn't care who you're friends with. I like both men and women, and I think friendships with each kind have benefits. I would never, ever tell my partner who he can/can't be friends with. That's not a relationship; that's a guilt-trip prison.

#31 Just ending the list with (totally) said it all. (Totally.)

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