This is my safe and sacred space, and I think I am going to buy some sage from amazon.com and smudge all the negativity out. I only want peace and love and happiness to be here with the falling curtain rods, chipped outlet plates, leaky air conditioning unit, re-padded a million times bedroom carpet, and random art materials strewn everywhere.
But I have spent today very sad. Distressed, worried, and sad. And discombobulated. And yet blessed and grateful. And very very detached from it all, yet sad. I am all over the place, emotionally.
So Miss M and I went to Starbucks and then my 2nd favorite outdoors space. I'd have gone to my 1st favorite one, but it doesn't have a playground and my 6 year old doesn't enjoy long hikes. I went there today because (1) I'd been on a phone or a laptop all day...literally, from like 9 AM to 2:30 PM or whatever, and that's not healthy, and (2) I was sad, and (3) I remember Elizabeth Gilbert telling me a story about a time she was incredibly sad, so sad she didn't think she'd make it out of the post office she was in, and then something inside her (God, her soul, her inner Oprah, whatever) told her: Liz, go find 3 beautiful things. It's okay if you want to mourn your life and be sad, if that's how you want to spend your time today, but you're not allowed to until you find 3 beautiful things. And she did - she walked out of the post office and 3 gigantic circus elephants walked past her (nothing magical; the circus was in town and it was a city-approved parade) (also, Liz didn't really tell ME this tale, she told me and about 20,000 other attendees at the Oprah's Live Your Best Life seminar last year).
So this is what I did today. I took my daughter to my favorite natural space, and I requested the Universe please help me find 3 beautiful things. This is what I found:
|These gigantic orange mushrooms. There were many others,|
but this cluster was amazing. How does Mother Nature come up
with bizarre shit like this? And they are blooming because of
all Her rain. I was gobsmacked by them, and She is totally forgiven.
Here's the deal McNeals: I have no idea who I am right now or what I want. I think I want to have sex with someone, and then I decide nope - too messy and complicated. I think I want to be open to new ideas and all kinds of people, and then I decide nope - people are fucking exhausting. I think I want to start up an exercise program and then I just laugh and laugh at myself because Life and work schedules and Insomnia. And then I cycle back around, and go: just shut up, get over yourself, and make it happen. It'll be fine. And then something else will happen and I'll be all: fuck this shit.
I just want off the roller coaster at this point, I think.
So after M and I got back from our Nature Quest, I sat down with a new notebook I bought today. I decided I shall flood the Universe with requests until It starts to cooperate with me. (The Universe actually always cooperates with you; it's just that It does it on Its own sweet time and sometimes what shows up doesn't look precisely like what you requested, but fair enough...it'll do. Which is why I advise you to always keep your Universal requests simple and to-the-point, or very very precise and detailed...and then be prepared to accept whatever shows up.)
I will write letters to It, confessionals and notes of gratitude and lists of things I want. Some of it I may share here, because my very nature is to share and do it as brazenly and as publicly as I can. I keep saying this is because I think sharing our experiences and stories connect us, but maybe I'm really just an attention whore at heart.
What I am certain of, that's been a standard certainty going on 4-5 years now is the following:
1. I want to be peaceful, loving, and kind.
2. I want to be loved and treated kindly.
3. I want to be able to know who to let in, and who not to. Trust issues are tremendous psychic blocks for me, and I'll confess: I have no idea how to work through them. I give up, Trust Issues. I have no idea who to trust now. I'm a runner; if I even sense you may leave, I like to leave first. But because I've been abandoned so many times by so many people who promised they'd never leave? I am always ready to be abandoned.
I would like to find a Master Teacher who will teach me how not to do this. I think I keep looking, but maybe I'll just sit back and let the Universe bring him or her to me. I think if I keep asking, It will. Hopefully before the end of the decade.
4. I want to be open to all kinds of new experiences and people. Trust issues make this fairly impossible.
5. Eventually, I do want to love another man again. But I want that man to be kind, funny, smart, open-minded, non-judgmental, not critical, emotionally available, real, whole, artistic/creative in some manner, honest, loyal, confident, tall, and good in bed. Is that too much to ask? I will not settle for less. I am determined and ready to be alone forever if I can't have every single thing on that list.
However. Because I've done the Oprah Create Your Best Life seminar, I am painfully aware that before I can have anything on that list, I need to resolve my trust issues. And then learn how to be whole and love myself. I have no idea how to start this. So I guess I'll just ask for help. Please help.
And I'll keep going outside, looking for 3 beautiful things each day, and write letters and notes and demands to whatever may care or be listening and cross my fingers that there is such a thing out there, listening and caring. Because I DO believe in magic, I guess. I mean, my god. There are gigantic mushrooms in the world. There HAS to be magic as well. Right?