writing challenge: 5 fears.

I love Yoda. Yoda is Love.
Also, I am sorry Star Wars nerds, for tormenting you
about watching all the episodes in numerical order.
I'll use the Force for good, and honor George's wishes, and watch them
in the order He commanded us to.
...unless you're my brother. And then I'm going to watch them in
numerical order and force you to watch me do it.

I didn't go to sleep until 3 AM. I slept - hard - for about 3 hours. Now I'm awake again. I have brought home work to do this weekend. I need to clean. My little girl is with me. We have 2 big commitments this weekend to attend. One is on Sunday and my fingers are crossed really hard I don't have to stay at it with her, and can go get some stuff done.

Number 19 on the 30 Day Writing Challenge is to write about five fears. Fear is a thing with me. I'm trying really hard to grow a thick skin, to recognize things I really DO need to be afraid of (sharks eating me, asteroids crashing down on my head) and things I DON'T need to be afraid of (sharks eating me, asteroids crashing down on my head). The thing about Fear is this: none of this is real. My spiritual teachings and learnings tell me that none of this is real. We are beings of Light, and Love is the only real thing. There are beings who have lost connection with their Light, and have forgotten how Love works. Or they've twisted it. And those people scare me. But I also know they aren't real, because they've lost touch with what is real.

That's very coded and philosophical, so...let's do this. Let me just share my 5 basest fears. My truest, realest fears are that I will never be enough, I will never get my act together, and I will flounder forever and eventually end up 95 years old drooling on myself in a nursing home, having accomplished absolutely nothing beyond navel-gazing and no one will come visit me. Those are my core, deepest and darkest fears. Or that I'll end up living with a hundred cats and eating canned cat food, sitting in pools of my own filth. And that it'll all be recorded on a reality TV show. And Donald Trump will host.

But here are 5 fears that are easier to address:

1. Sharks. You know what I'd like to do to conquer this fear? Swim with dolphins AND sharks at the same time. Because one time I saw Jaws 4, and that's what happened. The dolphins protected the humans from the psycho Jaws shark. I'm pretty sure that's the only way you can survive a swim with sharks - make sure dolphins are around you, because sharks don't mess with dolphins. According to the film industry.

2. Being destitute and homeless. This is kinda sorta like the nursing home and/or hoarder cat lady scenarios, but in this fear I'm also living in my mom's basement and she's telling me what to do all day. The good thing about my mom is she's got a great sense of humor, so I can joke with her like this and she won't throw me out on the streets to fend for myself. Also, she makes really great spaghetti. 

3. Ghosts. Ghosts are REAL, reader(s). I want to talk to a paranormal expert (preferably Jason Hawes) so I can understand them. Because at some point, I may be one and so...I just like to have all the facts. Is all I'm saying.

4. Death by fiery plane crash. I'm a bad flier. I like airports. I like the process of flying. But being on the plane, 50,000 feet in the air hurtling through time and space? So so BAD at that. If you're on the plane with me, outwardly I look nonchalant and calm: I am reading, I am resting, I am doing whatever. But inwardly, I'm listening for every single weird sound and nervously watching the flight attendants for signs of fright. 

I want to travel overseas to visit all of Europe and the Australian continent one day. But I'll be honest: I'm going to need a lot of sleep drugs to get me over the Atlantic, and enough to kill a baby elephant to get across the Pacific. The worst things in the world for me are articles (WITH PICTURES) of what happens to people when they're tossed and smashed onto the ground from a plane 50,000 feet in the air death spiraling downward. 

5. Terrorists. Terrorism, I'm learning as I grow up, comes in many different forms. Terrorists can be the scary guys who abuse and misuse a religion to further their political agendas and blow up other people or ram planes into skyscrapers. Or they can be that neighbor across the street who stands in the middle of the road at 5 AM shooting at squirrels while laughing maniacally and muttering about his ex-wife. They can be a stranger driving in a car in the lane next to you, or someone you once loved a lot behaving in really scary, confusing ways. 

And, I'm learning as I grow up, the only way to drive out fear is through love. In my experience, true Love is gentle and kind. It doesn't try to control anyone. It doesn't make demands or use shaming or manipulation to get people to do what it wants; those are terrorism tactics. Love just is. 

I have a lot of love in my life - I have a mom who knows how to make great spaghetti, friends I can meet for dinner and coffee/wine dates who totally get me, a sister-in-law who's more sister than in-law, a brother who makes me laugh and laugh, a niece and nephew who make my heart ridiculously happy, a little girl who's growing up into a really lovely if-a-little-indignant person, and just...I know so many people who are full of support and love. I cannot tell you how quickly someone's support and love can relax your scariest scares. If you are not surrounded by people who are gentle, supportive, and understand how real Love works, please find you some. I would offer to be that person for you, but I'm on the need-to-receive end right now...I'll let you know when I'm back in the ready-to-give end. 

If it's really real, true love is gentle and kind and undemanding. And I'm pretty sure terrorists don't know how it works, which is why they're terrorists. I'm reading PETER PAN to my class right now, and Captain Hook is filling up my brain - there was a character who craved love but had no idea what it really was. But dolphins have an idea. And most moms understand it. And Jason Hawes gets it. Journalists publishing horrific plane crash pictures don't get it, but that's because Love doesn't sell magazines and newspapers.  Over the next several weeks and months, I'm going to really focus on ignoring scary pictures/news articles, terrorists, sharks, and staying away from reality TV shows unless they're about ghosts (and Jason Hawes is the host). 

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