NO (and you win.)

I deleted this earlier, because it is a form of contact and that is what the individual wants. But I am going to repost it, because I have had to make my Twitter and Instagram accounts private, and at this point, I am now literally terrified. Happy early Halloween to me. 

And so I'm going to post this, and then I'm going to stop blogging for awhile. I am not sure how long. You win, scary guys. You win. I'm going to go write some stories instead. Catch up on some reading. Really do some deep cleaning and stuff. Keep all my doors and windows locked. And I just had a really intense Stranger Danger talk with my daughter today. Thanks so much for putting us through all that. Happy now? You win.

I am not advertising this post. I am posting it (in addition to the 40 goals post I just posted and DID advertise) because I have reached a limit and need to say something. It is the only and last time I will speak about this publicly and then I am moving on and pretending like this never happened.

I have broken someone's heart. I never, ever want to be the source of pain for another human being. I feel tremendously bad and guilty about having to do this. But I am also going to be very firm and protective of myself, because the person is not well and I can't help them. At some point, you have to be kind and loving to yourself, and hope and pray the other person will find a way to be kind and loving to themselves as well. But for you, moving on is the best and only choice.

Can we talk about the word NO for a second?

Dear Men of Planet Earth:

When a woman says NO, she does not mean NO (not now) or NO (maybe later) or NO (unless you manipulate my heart strings). She means NO. NO because you scared me. NO because it was abusive. NO because it is over. NO because I don't want to. 

When you hear a woman tell you NO and you continue to try to change her mind, or ignore it when she says NO LEAVE ME ALONE, you are being abusive. And you are scaring her. Please stop doing this, men of planet Earth. Please stop. Please stop.

Women of Planet Earth

Several months ago, I wrote here about going to see Mama Mia at the Fox Theatre. I got lost and parked too far away from the theatre. Then I got lost trying to walk to the theatre. A lone man saw me walking and tried to talk to me. When I ignored him (said NO) and kept walking, he continued to try to talk to me and started following me. 

I'm sure, when I wrote about it here, I was very jokey jokey about it. It's what I do when I'm feeling uncomfortable or awkward: crack jokes. Total defense mechanism. So I don't know that I did a good job communicating how very terrifying that experience was, actually. I remember I got my car keys out and held them between my fingers, because I've read you can do that - you can use your car keys as sort of daggers like that. If you have to. And I remember trying to remember about all the soft points I've heard about - like, how you're supposed to punch up and then in, on someone's nose - it'll break their nose and then the upward movement will send shattered bone into their skull, killing them. If you have to. I remember thinking about all of those Self Defense techniques that I've read or heard about, walking through sketchy Midtown Atlanta with a strange man following me, continuing to try to get me to stop and talk to him. All the way, until I ran into a female police officer and was able to get directions and there were other people around. 

The world can be a terrifying place, if you're a woman.

Listen. I really like men. I like men who are bigger than me, who can wrap me in their arms. And I like this (I think) because there's probably a little bit of a need for danger in my psyche (though I'm terrified of heights and sharks and death by fiery plane crash)...so when a man who's bigger than me wraps me in his arms, I think it's this psychological thing where I know he could hurt me but I also trust him that he won't, and so strangely I feel endangered but really safe. 

Isn't that weird psychology? I think that's weird psychology. I'm a feminist who likes to be dominated. Is what I'm telling you.

And this extends to mentally as well. I like men who are confident and bold - I don't mind a man telling me how many different ways he wants to fuck me as long as I know (A) he's not going to abscond on me if that ever does happen, (B) he's earned my trust and proven to me he's not a mentally unstable individual with emotional issues, (C) he's not a selfish prick, and (D) if I say NO, he'll stop immediately. And also: keep it classy. 

All of this only works with a man I absolutely, completely trust. If it's a strange man I don't know, well then. We're talking horror movie-like levels of terror. And if it's a man I think I know but who's proven several times he's not trustworthy, then that's a deal breaker. I have to know I can trust someone before I let them all the way in. If I've let them all the way in, and they suddenly begin showing me why that was a mistake on my part, then I say NO. And the door is quietly shut closed, locked, key thrown away. I think that's just normal, good, sound common sense. For any woman.

At any rate. My point is: men are (usually) bigger and stronger than women. You are more powerful, physically, and there is also a psychological aspect to your power that you need to be conscious of, at all times. When a woman says NO, it's the end. It is over. It doesn't matter what she said 2 hours, minutes, or seconds ago. As soon as that word NO leaves her mouth, the end. Stop. 

That's all I'm going to say about this. It is not a funny post. It is not a reflective post. It's a If You're a Man and a Woman Says NO and You Don't Stop, Then What You Are Doing Is NOT OKAY and Wrong post. 

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