Hi, Internet!!! How was your week? Mine was gloomy and sunny and hot and cold and damp and dry. A week of opposing conditions. With a forecast for rain. (No, seriously...it's supposed to rain this weekend. AGAIN, goddamit. I've about had it with Mother Nature and her emotional issues. I'd break up with Her, but last time I tried she sent a hail storm and clonked me in the head with a sharp, golf ball-sized piece of sky ice.) Since I have nothing earth-shattering to share or be dramatic about tonight, can I do a questionnaire? A get-to-know-you questionnaire, one of those one-sided conversational thingies all over the Internet so people can navel gaze which is the whole point of the Internet anyway? I love interviewing myself...I think you should try it, because you always learn so much. (sometimes you also figure out or discover or decide things you weren't prepared to figure out or discover or decide. but such is life.)
1. “What is something you have tried, but will never do again?”Living to make someone else happy. Something I've learned: you're responsible for your own happiness. If someone else ever says to you, "You make me so happy," this is a lie. You cannot make another person happy. For that matter, you can also not make another person mad, sad, worried, reluctant, jealous, in love, horny, disgusted, drunk, crazy, sympathetic, compassionate, bored, or interested. Good people of planet Earth! Stop trying to control one another! People decide and choose how they'll behave, feel, and live. That's on them...you do YOU, let them do THEM. And keep reminding yourself: what others do or don't do is not a reflection on you, as much as it just says that's what they're doing. It is what it is. Stop chewing on it, you'll grind your teeth to nubs.
Moral of this tale: if you get mad when someone won't do what you think will make you happy? You've got an awfully bumpy, dark, twisty road ahead of you, my friend.
2. “What quirky habit do you have?” Just one?! I talk to myself. As in: walk myself through tough issues, rehearse hard conversations, talk to drivers in other cars as if they can hear me. (No, seriously. I really like to think their psyches can and do hear me, and that sometimes what they learn from me about driving rocks their worlds.)
3. “Who is your best friend?” I would say that's probably my sister-in-law. It's one of those "We're sisters by marriage, friends by choice" kinds of deals. I can tell her anything, and even though she's a bit of a Bible thumper, she doesn't judge me...too much. Also, she's an amazing planner. She can't walk soberly on a flat surface without tripping and spraining something, but she can plan shit like nobody's business. Like, if you're orchestrating a 500 person major event of some sort? Put her in charge. She's magical.
4. “What is the one thing you did in your past you wish you could undo?” Just ONE thing?! I regret who I gave my virginity to, and why. Girls: listen to your mothers. He's probably not going to be your only one (oh god, PLEASE do NOT marry the first man you sleep with!), but he's going to always be the first one. Make it somebody you won't think about 22 years later and go: ....the fuck?! Surely I was on crack at that time.
5. “What is your biggest fear?” Losing my daughter. If something bad happened to Miss M, I would not be okay for a very very very very very long time.
6. “What is the one place in the world you wish you lived in?” Just ONE?! Key West. It just seems real laid back and...beach-y. Also, there are 6-toed cats running around, and roosters. And, apparently, there's a clothing-optional bar somewhere in town, but only upstairs. And Cuba is next door. And Ernest Hemingway. And bungalows.
7. “Would you rather be loved or have a lot of money?” I'd rather be loved. Money is the root of all evil. (Though I'll be blunt: if I could have BOTH, I think I'd be as happy as Donald Trump's combover on a non-windy day.)
8. “What is the happiest memory from your childhood?” Just one?! I have lots of happy memories, actually. Running around the neighborhood well after dark descended on a summer night, catching fireflies, ringing the mean neighbor's doorbell and then running like crazy and hiding in the bushes like spies while he prowled the neighborhood trying to catch us, climbing the wire fence that separated our backyard from the cow pasture behind us so we could play amongst the cow patties, writing and performing hybrid plays based on Star Wars and Battlestar Galactica episodes, putting on concerts for nobody in my bedroom and parents' garage. I was an eccentric child, and preferred hanging out with eccentric children. And still do, to this day.
9. “What is the most embarrassing moment of your life?” Just ONE?! I have so many embarrassing moments, day to day. I actually can't think of THE most embarrassing. Maybe the time I inexplicably somehow ripped my pants in the grocery store, had no underwear on, and had to somehow make it from the deli section back to my car in broad daylight. That was pretty awful. I feel certain there were at least 2 horrified mothers who saw me and about 5 delighted men, but I can't be sure. I was in a hurry.
10. “What would your dream date be like?” I don't have a "dream" date. I'm fairly low maintenance about these things ('cause I'm HIGH maintenance in so many other areas). Chinese take out, some beer/wine, a Netflix movie, and jokey jokes all night long make me pretty happy. But I'm also good with nice restaurants. And I'd like to go see some live theater. I've been to Broadway musicals, but it's been a long long time since I've seen a real play, by live actors, in a real theater.
ooh! WAIT! I've got it: Chinese restaurant with beer/wine, jokey jokes, live theater, then back home for a Netflix movie. Ta da! Dream date.
11. “What would you change about your personality & look?” I actually like my personality. It's been a long, windy road to get me here, but I'm pretty okay with my personality at this point. I think I'm a bit too melodramatic at times about things I can't change, that I need to just let go of. And I think I'm far too nostalgic for my own good. But other than that? I am me, all that you see, and if you don't like it go fuck yourself. (Sorry, I bet you thought that would rhyme.)
Looks? Oh, I've got a LIST. Do you have 30 minutes?
12. “Who has influenced you the most in your life?” Well, my parents, duh. Who hasn't been influenced by those people? I think everyone we meet and become even a little close to influences us, actually. People will teach you lots of things if you'll stay open to the lessons. Some will be hard things that will make you cry but stronger in the end, some will be upsetting things that will teach you who and what you DON'T want to be, and some will be beautiful, lovely things that will stay with you for a very long time, even after the person has moved on or away or, you know...died. Or something. We're all teachers and students, and vice versa, to one another. It's really the best and worst part about being human.
13. “What is something you used to do as a child that you wish you could still do?” Sing and dance and put on plays and concerts in my bedroom and/or parents' garage. Not have to get up at 5 fucking AM to go do a job. Wear inappropriate clothing and have people giggle affectionately instead of judge. Believe, utterly believe and not ever even question, the reality of magic. Not have to worry about my car breaking down and not having any way to cover the repair costs. (I think I was supposed to just write about someTHING, singular. But there's so much about childhood I miss! Kids these days. They don't even know what they've got. I tell my little loves all the time: Love it now, my darlings, when you grow up it gets REAL hard. Really REAL. And they aren't even listening, I can tell. And that one kid who always sits in the back is going to GET it when we go back to our seats...drawing on the carpet with marker, like he paid for the place himself.)
14. “What is the worst thing about dating?” Well, I'm not dating. Legally, I'm not even supposed to be entertaining the idea. And emotionally, I simply couldn't deal with it right now. I've been to OKCupid.com, I'll confess. I set up a profile, just out of curiosity. Within 5 seconds of me clicking SUBMIT, exactly 200 men had looked at my profile, 75 liked it, and 20 left me automessages I could tell they leave for the other 5 billion women on that website. I think 2 messages may not have been automessages, but one of them wanted me to drive down to Florida and tie him up with rope and kidnap him.
Frightening, is what I'm saying. Frightening and depressing and unnerving. Is what I'd say the worst thing about dating probably will be. When I get to it.
15. “What is the one career you would love to enter?” Writer/storyteller, duh. (Or millionaire blogger. Either one would work.)
16. “Are you close with your family?” I love my family. I don't talk to or see my family as much as I should and could. I've promised my mom to call her once a week, because she worries. But I see my brother and his family a lot, because I deeply love my sister-in-law and my niece and nephew are the closest things to siblings Miss M will ever have. And they're just cool kids on top of it. My niece is a younger, smarter version of me in many ways (I think), and my very rules-oriented nephew makes my heart happy. I think my most favorite thing in the world is listening to a conversation between Miss M (flippant, silly, quirky child) and T (serious, knowledgeable, professional child). Yes. Totally close to my family. Love them to pieces, they are my rocks.
17. “What is the one movie that influenced your life the most?” Wizard of Oz. Living Out Loud. (Go HERE.)
18. “Where is the one place in the world you feel safe?” Probably my home. I'm still getting used to it, this apartment. The hardest part is going back to my old house to pick up or drop off something when C is out of town. It's very different there now: he's repainted the downstairs, bought industrial-like furniture from West Elm, and has weird choices in artwork. So it doesn't LOOK like my home. But it still FEELS like my home. And this is hard for me. But I'm usually okay within 24 hours of being back in the apartment. Because it has warm, soothing colors that make me happy and soft, big furniture I like and artwork/decorations that reflect what matters to me. (If only I could keep it clean now.)
19. “What is the one thing you want to experience before you die?” Well, I want to travel to a lot of different places. But I also want to be loved by someone who never judges or tries to define me. Soooo....taking a trip around the world with someone I love who never judges or defines me.
Oh, and! I want Barry Manilow to sing Could It Be Magic to me. And only to me. Okay, fine. Maybe Miss M too, since she loves him as well.
20. “What is your ultimate goal in life?” To be where I need to be, doing what I need to do, and feel good about whatever that ends up being. To watch my daughter grow up healthy and happy and strong. I know I'm doing better than a lot of people out there right now. But mostly I just want to be at peace, be completely open to new experiences and people, and to know the people I care about and love best in the world are happy. And also I'd like to be able to eat as much chocolate/peanut butter fudge and drink as much Riesling as I'd like and never gain a single pound.